All great struggles demand sacrifice.

Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.
----- C. S. Lewis  

Amigo

I don't believe in friends anymore. The word itself itself is all emotion : one who is attached to another by emotion or esteem ......a favored companion (Webster's Dictionary) 

Maybe it was real at one point, friends meant something, yet now it is meaningless.Just like the word love which is tossed around for anything. It is a symbiotic or parasitic thing. No one even can define what a friend qualifies, much less what it is. 
It is empty, vain. Nowhere have I seen a real friend. I have seen people get along and such, but when something happens one doesn't like, vroom...... Later gator I just don't wanna be your friend, companion, no more......

That is all, acquaintances or co-workers or companion. People I come in contact with. No such thing as friends anymore. None, there are none.

Ecclesiastes 1:2
2 Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. 

Empty, vain, worthless.

Where o where is justice? Is there such things as that or mercy or anything?

Alone, the fear life isn't dying, its being alone. So it is now, these people with fam, spouses, etc helping them out. None for me. Left out to dry.

Korn- alone I break

~*~ Alone I Break ~*~
Pick me up
been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it some how

I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this "crap" I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Shut me off
I am ready,
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be on my own

I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this "crap" I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
is there nothing more to come? (am I Gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take it's place?
Am I going to leave this race? (Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess god's up in this place?
what is it that I've become?
is there something more to come? (more to come)

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this "crap" I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man? [x2]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is left, what gives meaning? Where is what is important? I don't have the answers, what I thought were answers turned out to be a lesson in learning that we really are alone, in the dead of night, no one can truly save you from your own mind. No words nothing. It's too easy to think mommy or daddy or sister or brother or friend bob or something will. Nope, doesn't work like that. In the end alone.

You're supposed to be dead, Dan. Why are you helping people? No more helping them, no more designated driver, no helping. People want and want, but what do they give back? Seemingly nothing. Do they care what they do? Or do we have a sense of entitlement to what we want? "I deserve...I want, I need, I I I I I "
It's tiring, I'm broke, why? Cause helped someone. No more nice guy, it hasn't gotten anywhere. So into the ground you go. No more doormat, no more taking the blame for junk I didn't do. I didn't walk away, tried my best but no ones has honor or commitment, or ca for anyone but themself. So why should I ?

Where a you god? When are you gonna met out this judgment or whatever? Do you even stick to what you say or is it just more talk like this so called creation, aka humans? Luck of the draw?
Is the justice? Is there any ? Or are these just words to give a reason for things,"oh no, this is mercy, oh no now justice, oh, no this is hope" when really, people are being punished just cause, or getting away with things, or just looking for a word to be stubborn......
So what is it? Everything is declared so simple, just so one can make sense of it.....but were we ever supposed to make sense of it? Is the bible about sense? No, it is about doing,NAND not always, rarely thinking mo than not. But Oh no, that must be wrong, we are humans, so smarty dn independent. Sure, go ahead , think how right and smart we are , haven't we been proven that we have overly little clue and a "god complex" whether we admit it or not?
To heck with it.

hell in a handbasket

Hm, burning alive. That's a new one..... or not. All that has been will be again. Crazies were and will be. Salem witch burnings, by people who were "religious" cleaning out witchcraft. Molech, older god who was worshiped by burning children alive. (Yup, smart people who have kids (their future) burning them to a god, who um, hm, if we all burned our children, then who would carry it on?????? Just a question.....)
Anyhow, come 2011, man burns alive a woman in an elevator: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/18/nyregion/woman-burned-alive-in-brooklyn-elevator.html

Yes, what has been will be again. To think, this used to be more prevalent and accepted.....yet now it is bad. What is morality? Does it change? Personally, it's pretty crazy, but how many times do we burn each other with neglect, anger, indifference, pain, etc. ? Hell in a hand basket indeed.
The world is a cycle, the 3 R's : Reduce, reuse, recycle. Reduce truth or discipline or you pick what, reuse old ideas and methods, recycle beliefs and morals but change them slightly so it is more accepted.
So, where is god now? Really, I don't believe more than 0.0000000001% of humanity can answer that, for their god is them self, only difference between each other is name and how they worship themselves.

Hell in a hand basket indeed.

He's dead....

What is living?

liv·ing

 [liv-ing] Show IPA

adjective

1.

having life;  being alive; not dead: living persons.

2.

in actual existence or use; extant: living languages.

3.

active or thriving; vigorous; strong: a living faith.

4.

burning or glowing, as a coal.

5.

flowing freely, as water.

 

Dan is dead, he is no longer in use or active or thriving...... I killed him. Whatever he was, is no longer important because he is dead. NO more is there a guy who will go out of his way for anyone. Why should he? No more helping anyone. Why should he? No more caring or anything. It's the truth when people tell you that "nice guys finish last" . Rather to be a loud, obnoxious, prideful son of a .....

Where has anything gotten me? Friends, ha, only when they can get something or need something. Who cares if one does their job, it's not good enough or you are nothing cause you are not making a big show of it.  

Love, is a lie then, because it is based on emotion, not anything more. Look at all the news, studies, churches.....there is no committment, there is nothing. The louder one is the more you get by. 

Case and point? Almost 2 months working on one simple thing, doing the right things, the right way, right paperwork, and what? 3x others have lost papers, once in less than 24hrs, patient, listening, tryin to do the right. Forget that, as soon as I started being forceful on it, demanding and went around the "rules" (which are a joke anyways) I get somewhere. what was not done in 2 months is being done in 2 days. No longer will I work my backside off, trying to do my job the best i can, where did it get me? Nowhere.... as soon as I started just doing my own thing, I started getting accolades, the louder and more imperative, the more things got done. The more patience, the more people walk all over you. 

Truth, honesty, Love, committment, faith.... words dying each day, because they have no meaning anymore. It is all relative. Whatever one wants it to mean. So you die Dan, because it doesn't actually work. everyone is gonna walk out on you and step over you and when you make mistakes, then they find the excuse to leave, because it is nothing but words we use. No duty, no honor, nothing. So good bye dan, you will be and have been forgotten. God? who is that? relative isn't it? God is this and this, but to "jane doe" he is this and this, and "john doe" this and this. So, good bye. 

It's nice to be wanted

A farewell dinner, very tasty and free. I was touched by the words spoken of my comrades. It was nice for once to be commended for something. I truly believe that for some, my 2 comrades and I may have made an impact.
Yet now, as we leave, what will be the legacy? To be wanted seems to be the feeling of the day. To be rejected is painful. Plans made, cancelled in a heartbeat. Why? Because one is not important enough, not worth it.
For every high, there is a low. That what I was shown today. For every one person that one helps, or gives themself for, 5 a will stb you in the back. What is humility?bremembering that you are not the most important and accepting that. Why is pride? Thinking you are owed everything important to you because you are you or someone says so. Not true.


I'm no one, I'm nothing. Today is a reminder.

Evil

“I think evil has agents,” Jenine said. “I think we allow evil to use us. It doesn’t care if we know what we’re doing is evil or not. After we’ve done its will, if we feel guilty, it can use that to condemn us in our own eyes. If we feel good, it can immediately use us for its next objective.”

Shadow's edge -Brent Weeks
-------------

How do we define evil? Is it sentient? It is a poison that is like a drug, giving hallucinations of grandeur or a nightmare of death. No one talks of evil with any true conviction. No true hate of it or even acknowledgment of it. It is like a resigned sigh from lips....."ah, yeah evil is bad, but it is what it is." there is no real understanding. I don't understand it. No it just seems, acceptance of evil is just, "evil is bad" " it feels icky"
No it really doesn't. Evil can make one feel more alive than anything. The agent of agent of evil is not a simple, "oh golly gee, I messed up and now I feel bad" no, it is more confusing.
It isn't evil cause it feel bad(yes evil can feel bad) but it is evil because it is. No matter how it feels or such, it is evil because it is. Yet how do we decipher what evil is? In some countries and times, women were for child bearing and boys were for "fun" (roman period). Or tribes where nudity is pnothing, yet other areas it is frowned upon. Murder not being the same as killing. Subtle differences, yet that is what makes the biggest change. To some. Marriage is nothing more than a word, divorce like a fall back option for whatever reason. Or stepping over people, nothing more than a ladder to true power which of course (sarcasm) is what it's all about. What pis evil, who decides what it is, and do you see how fluid it can become..... How much like a chameleon it can't be?

Tell me what to know

“I was ashamed” Logan said “Let me tell you what I learned in the Hole. I learned that, in suffering, we find the true measure of our strength. I learned that a man can be a coward one day and a hero the next. I learned that I’m not as good a man as I thought I was. But the most important thing is this: I learned that though it cost me dearly, I can change. I learned that what has been broken can be made new.”

-Brent Weeks, Shadow’s Edge

-------------

What is your measure? What is your strength? Are you lying to yourself, saying you are more than you are? Will you change? Ashamed, I am.

I Stand Alone lyrics
Songwriters: Erna, Salvatore;



I've told you this once before, can't control me
If you try to take me down you're gonna break
I feel you're every nothing that you're doing for me
I'm thinking, you oughta make your own way

I stand alone inside
I stand alone

You're always hiding behind your so called goddess
So what? You don't think that we can see your face?
Resurrected back before the final falling
I'll never rest until I can make my own way, I'm not afraid of fading

I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
I'm not dying for it

I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone inside
I stand alone

And now it's my time
(Now it's my time)
It's my time to dream
(My time to dream)
Dream of the skies
(Dream of the skies)

Make me believe that this place isn't plagued by the poison in me
And help me decide if my fire will burn out before you can breathe
Breathe into me

I stand alone inside
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
I'm not dying for it

I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone inside
I stand alone inside
I stand alone inside
I stand alone inside

Right ways don't mean easy walk

Doing the right thing or following the "right" path doesn't make for good or um, maybe expected " good" outcomes.

I have Been trying to be patient for over a month..... Today I. Almost lost it in front of people. 1 darn month of trying to listen to superiors and follow what they say and such. ONE MONTH, and today I realized or it came upon that all the work was just thrown out the window. Others are doing the same thing and they go around things, and they get ahead.
I ts frustrating..... So I hold it inside and it builds, the frustration, the annoyance of having to rely on others and then they just tear you apart and act like "well it doesn't affect me so to heck with it" . No I have done the same thing, not elevating myself, it's just I tried doing the right way and it just was nothing in the end..... So now, I have to start over. Grrr to paperwork.

No, the path least traveled seems to bring more sorrow then joy, seems to bring more work and questions then answers..... Why is that ? It seems like a failed week, now it brings a consequence not only to me but those around, even across the states. Alas for that, what does one do? Should one become a fox? Or a weasel and break listening and be insubordinate?

I don't know..... I just don't , it seems that doing that I s wrong, but is there right and wrong..... Or is there circumstance and then "right" or "wrong ?

Breaking Benjamin - I will not bow

Fall

Now the dark begins to rise
Save your breath, it's far from over
Leave the lost and dead behind
Now's your chance to run for cover

I don't wanna change the world
I just wanna leave it colder
Light the fuse and burn it up
Take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

Fall

Watch the end through dying eyes
Now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to Heaven

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I'm not proud, cold-blooded fake
I will shut the world away

Open your eyes!

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive; paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I'm not proud, cold-blooded fake
I will shut the world away

Fall!


- what can one do? Is there a ways to fight, to beat that which surrounds you? A world trying to change you to what they want, to just fit in?-

oh where darkness is found, so is death....

Well, let’s see. This week stunk, and today was the most frustrating days of it. How is it that I can oversee, train, teach, help, be confident and do what is asked of me., but when I’m being evaluated I totally just lose my confidence and crash and burn?

I know my job. Everyone put under m supervision and those with me and above me that I work with have respect and confidence in me. But today I had to go in front of a panel f random seniors and they got to grill me, seeing if I had what it took … which meant knowing a lot of facts and such ad whether I was confident and LOUD in answering. I bombed it. Yes I’m very critical of myself. I didn’t um, win the employee of the month, and so I lost.

God’s fault right? (by the way, tis is sarcastic and what follows) It had to be God’s fault why I bombed it, why this week has stunk, why I was nervous out of my mind, and just failed….. had to be…. Couldn’t be that I wasted time not studying properly, nor that I havegiven God a disregard which fluctuates every day, nor that I didn’t figure out how to properly study until a couple days ago……No couldn’t have something to do with that….(sarcasm done)

I KNOW the answers, I knew them! I just failed……so what is the first thing I do ? Yup, blame God, cause of course if it doesn’t go right it has to be His fault. Boy was I mad, I knew the answers, I thought I was being loud, they didn’t care that my voice was messed up and I couldn’t scream out the answers…..all in all God’s fault…..

Yup, if it goes right, I’m happy with myself and say a “thanks God” but if it goes wrong….You God messed me up, you don’t care and yada yada…….

No, I know in my heart it isn’t God’s fault, (see sarcasm above). No if and’s or buts…..yet it just isn’t the same.

 Job said - Job 2:10 He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.)

Well, later on after telling everyone for the umpteenth time I failed, I didn’t get ridiculed, mainly that I need to have more confidence in myself cause they know that I know and am ready to be promoted….. I can let that failure kill me or make me focus more on proving wrong…..today I just got the mindset that,  “yup, this was dumb, you got the skills, you just have to focus and learn…..”

No it wasn’t God’s fault, it’s not His fault I’m double minded, disrespectful to Him, make the same mistakes, nor that I’m mad at Him for this whole business this week nor this past year and a half. (1 John 1:5-10 5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all[b] sin.

 8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.)

Someone once told me, “why should God do anything when you won’t let Him do anything? Why should He help you when you don’t respect Him as you know you need to? (Psalm 14:1
For the director of music. Of David. The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good. ….. Job 5:3
I myself have seen a fool taking root, but suddenly his house was cursed.)

When you are double minded?  Why should God reconcile between people when they/you won’t reconcile fully to Him?”

He won’t.

(selfish truth) “why me God? Why blah blah did this happen? You must hate me” (selfish truth end) (Luke 6:46
[ The Wise and Foolish Builders ] “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?)

There are three things in my heart that I long for….. her, get promoted, get my papers so I can leave here, find a church before I leave at the place I’m going…..hm, it is just honest truth…..it is a wrong truth……Where is longing for God? (Matthew 6: 32-33  32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well…..Mark 12:29-31  ²⁹ “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.^[a] 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’^] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”) Or what He wants? ….. So many say “I’m following God….I’m doing what He says to do …… I know what HE means here and where I have to INTERPRET for MYSELF what He means……..” I’m living proof, and a failing living proof with that mind set… (1 Corinthians 2:14
The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit……. 1 Corinthians 3: 18-19 18 Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”)

Hm, perhaps I’m already gone from His presence, maybe God has given up on me and I’m the one who is said of in Hebrews 6:4-6 … ⁴ It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen[c] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.”

I don’t know if You are listening to me or not God, but take care of her, You already know what I want and where my heart has been and is. I dunno what the point is then, but I dunno. I’m not fully committed to You… so can’t rightfully blame You for not listening. Whatever it is, I’m a mess and whatever You are gonna do, just do it please. 

What do you do .....

The parable of the good Samaritan is a nice story huh ? You have the bad guys who just walk past then the hero, the natural enemy of the victim who has mercy and love.
Yeah, just a story right? Apparently not. Saw a video, of a child getting ran over by a truck, numerous people walked or road by, less than a foot from the little girl. None did a thing. Only one woman did and not sure ifit was the girls mother or not ( video was from Asia on world news part)
So, what about (ASV) Ecclesiastes 1:9 "That which hath been is that which shall be; and that which hath been done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun." ?
Or perhaps arguments on how the Bible is " outdated"?

Just a thought.

It's sad, this life..... Too easy it is to look out for oneself, everyday it seems more signs show how life tends to be turned to being told "think about you..... You can't be helpful unless you look out for you....your happiness is what matters.... As long as you are confident in yourself..... " it is a self absorbed world and it's addicting and destroying lives, Christians are not exempt, especially now with people preaching/teaching how all things are relative and up to interpretation/self ideals, how God wants us to be rich now, or you have to be happy in who you are and think of how you want to do things. "as long as it feels good", it must be right. Dang it, relativism aka selfishism ( yes made that word up).
Dang it, I'm about to pass out, another time..... Dan.....

Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Romans 12:1-2
Chapter 12

1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

God thanks for not having the board today, I have lots to learn for it still. Thanx for warm houses when it's cold and rainy. Please be with the friends and family of the person who had the accident this weekend, it was needless and just sad. We are stupid people so many times, thank You for putting up with us.Please, please, get me thru clearing. Please, please, please,PLEASE, be with her, our families, and if there is ANY chance for reconciliation, I would jump at it. Dang it God, I'm longing still and I can't shake it and don't know what's what. My flesh is weak, please, I don't want to be able to choose, cause I'm just gonna make same mistakes over. I think I got it, but then devil gets me. So frustrated with all this. Please, I just don't know what to ask. I'm like the guy mentioned in James , about looking in the mirror and then walking off and forgetting . Or where speaks about double minded one. Just make it stop, please. I dunno, longing.... Well, Thanx for listening to my ranting God, sorry so messed up.

Aye ya ya

God, here it is.... I love the junk for this woman still! Nothing on this earth has changed it. What the heck do You expect me to do? She doesn't want anything to do with me. And I'm at a loss at what I'm supposed to do. I've studied, I prayed, I've studied some more..... Looked into all translations, concordances, commentaries, all that and all I can see is this is fishy....no, You say the same thing, and this was not it. I want it to be different, if i went with rationalizing or interpreting what I want, I can actually take about 4 opposing views and scripturally defend each view and counter argument ( thats the problem with an active debating mind, arguing with oneself:( )Yet each view I interpret, well it is not a whole of anything. It is just that, a view of my own, made with my bias or with my view in mind so it self fulfills itself. Hence, the hard line view is not really a view it's merely stubbornness and pride.

Now I'm going off topic, and I need to study for tomorrow so I can go out with a bang.....
GOD, all I'm asking is for um, hm, just I just want her, that's it. I'm not perfect, I still have issues in life, besides You, whoever is without sin, please cast a nice boulder at me.
GOD I DUNNO WHAT TO DO....WHAT DO I DO. Please, do something, cause I'm ripping up inside with worry and all these scenarios, and just not kosher. Thanx for class today and um, sorry I'm a mess. Maybe You can still use me...at Your own risk....be with us, her, my momma, and the mission trip they're going on, it's always dangerous, but something tells me it's more dangerous than letting on. Oh, dang lots of things going on, please let the stuff work out with getting out of here....this is freaking me out too. Thank for listening. Wish I could just understand stuff and stop making the same mistakes. Help us see the warning, truth, and wisdom in these verses in ourselves.

Psalms 69:5
5 O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee.

Romans 1:21-25
21 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. 22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, 23 And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.
24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: 25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.

Matthew 13:14-15
14 And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive: 15 For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Lost in fear and anxiety.....

28 days ago, I knew tomorrow would be a day away. Started strong but now tomorrow is almost here. I already know I'm gonna fail, I did it to myself. I keep telling the guys I'm gonna fail, but somehow they think it's an act. Now I'm nervous, anxious, ashamed of myself.

I'm angry and ashamed I have to do this on my own and that I'm failing at it. I just want everything out of my head. For a day. No thoughts of loneliness, shame of my actions, confusion of what I was supposed to do and what it means to forgive. Just make it all go away. One day is all I ask, cause right now, I feel crazy; as if walking in a glass house and I'm rolling around in a hamster wheel with spikes all over it.

But no, nowim cramming for tomorrow, by myself.....unconcerned by any it seems, unable to get real help, my other half? Was there ever a other half? To me yes, yet why then does God just let it rip away? Dang it, you made mistakes Dan. Arg, yup still unbalanced on meaning of all this and now my own imposed anxiety adds to it. One day , God, is all I ask. Just make it better, cause all I seem to do is get myself deeper in the ground. Why was it so easy for anyone else, but me, I can't deal with it ?

How was it righteous? It wasn't and isn't. But it doesn't change it. Is there any real forgiveness or reconciliation?

I'm not ready for tomorrow, can't even handle today and all the yesterdays.
Why God? Why let it be like this? Where is forgiveness and reconciliation?

There is absolute, but everyone wants relative..... Sigh, what is it You are saying, God ? Why after this time, is this like this, what is the mind not grappling?
It makes no sense . I long still worse than before, but it seems like steel reinforced cell is closing around me. How long til I'm crushed? Will You save me?

Nostrum nettu

Isaiah 21:8 And he cried, A lion: My lord, I stand continually upon the watchtower in the daytime, and I am set in my ward whole nights:
-always alert, yet never alone. When the lion comes, report to the one stronger....-

The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee. Numbers 6:25

-don't we all need that.....without the grace, there is only this wretched life.....-

Rev.3:19
As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.

- I don't like that, for who likes rebuke and such? Yet that doesn't matter, for what God says is absolute....NOT relative. So have to repent. Like how it says good " those I love I .... Then makes the next area and following easier for my weak being to accept.

Lost in the sauce

2hrs. All cleaning. How do things come so dirty so quickly? Each weekend spent, cleaning and cleaning. It seems the longer one spends in an area,the more relaxed they become. "oh, it's just a take out plate, I'll get it in the morning..... Oh, it's just one adult movie, I can take it..... Oh I only cursed once..... Oh, I only lost my temper once.....oh, I only got into one fight......oh it's only one drink.....etc. "
The world is destroying all things, can't even watch a movie, pg-13 without some stupid language or insinuation of sex.
What is the point? Even tv, there are such cool shows, but is it worth it to have to deal with sexual conotations (sp?) and e junk it shows but not say?

Hm, I wonder if maybe should just go out into the woods and just live like a hermit.....but no, evil follows all areas. Just have to be vigilant, always learning, and not depending on self. Nor on what others say is right.

Be not deceived: Evil companionships corrupt good morals. (1 Corinthians 15:33 KJV)

Oh, God,bas always I remember Your mercy and I fall at Your feet for it. I beg You watch over her and help her and guide her. Pleasel puntin the heart,na reminder of Your love and if can fit on the side, that i love and long also for her. Grace and justice are Yours, I bow my head in sorrow at my sin that hurts You and others. Please forgive us, help us to differentiate right from wrong, to not put up with the evil, but strive for Your perfection.....with You carrying us there.

Thankful?

A man once got robbed. He went on like this : " I am thankful that I did not die from robbery. I am thankful only my wallet was taken and not my life. I am thankful I had something worth taking. I am thankful I'm not the one who robbed." 

No matter what happens, there is always something.....no, MANY things to be thankful for.


-my life was nothing but a bitterness, then I saw the colors of the rainbow. The rain was dark and cold, then I saw the flowers grow. I saw them leave, I saw them go, I felt the hurt; the i realized that if I didn't care..... It would not matter and my heart is bare.-
God be praised that I can love, that I can hurt, that I can breath. Pain is not bad, but it doesn't feel great, but praise be to God I can feel it the same. I ask again, that you be with her, remind in her heart that mine is still for her. No , I know that it. Seems so dark and lonely; that it seems like the end, but. For one wh made it all I pray it isn't the end. I still have no
E nd I beg and pray, that forgiveness will not end until judgement day. Teach us the truth and give us hope.be in our hearts and show us the ropes. Worthy of praise and worthy of all, thank Uou god, Father , and Friend.

Please reconcile us with You and with each other.

1 Thessalonians 5:18
18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

Break me down- RED

A long day alone
Emptiness is so real
Never having peace of mind
Running from what I can't see
And there is nowhere left to hide
Turn and face these empty eyes
All alone, heart untold
Trying to find

Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

I try to find myself
I find the stranger trapped inside
And I'll take one more step away
From the face I used to recognize
Familiar shadows closing in
Suffocating fear descends
It comes alive, uncovered eyes

I'm trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Break me down
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down [repeat]

Break me!


-
Who is it that we really are? Are we running from ourselves? Do we recognize the changes within? Do we care? The way to rise and shine is not by me, the way to fall is in us, by us. Fear from others and to others, the hate, anger, inability to forgive, to admit wrong...... That becomes us. Do you know the stranger inside of you ? Do you just accept it or do you ask to be saved, more so to break it down. Why is there division, fighting, and so much pain? We refuse to face things and realize we need to be broken down. Oh GOD, what is going on?! Who is this stranger in me?! Why are we holding on to that and instead of fighting the sin, looking to fight each other and dividing? Please , on my face I beg for reconciliation! I cry and scream in the dark! Unworthy are we, yet I beg for there has to be a way. My sin is great, yet omnipotence are YOU, surely there is a way. Weakness am I, trength must be YOURS.
I got nothing HOLY ONE, please, it is a downward spiral with worthless "Now" indulgence, BREAK US DOWN!

(NET) 1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Don't be impressed by his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. God does not view things the way men do. People look on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Psalms 119:105-108
NUN
105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet,

and a light unto my path.

106 I have sworn, and I will perform it,

that I will keep thy righteous judgments.

107 I am afflicted very much:

quicken me, O Lord, according unto thy word.

108 Accept, I beseech thee, the freewill offerings of my mouth, O Lord,

and teach me thy judgments.

Psalms 141:3-5
3 Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth;

keep the door of my lips.

4 Incline not my heart to any evil thing,

to practise wicked works with men that work iniquity:

and let me not eat of their dainties.


5 Let the righteous smite me; it shall be a kindness:

and let him reprove me; it shall be an excellent oil,

Please, GOD, i do thank YOU for this day, its just that loneliness and fear and sin darken it. I beg from YOUR boundless stores of love and deeper than the ocean mercy and grace, be still with her and I dunno what else to ask or specify, protect hold and guide her as well as those we love, more so help this unweakness within me. Is there any chance or did I blow it away? SELAH -

which shall not break my head:

for yet my prayer also shall be in their calamities.

Something to remind you- STAIND

So this is it
I say goodbye
To this chapter of my ever-changing life
And there's mistakes
The path is long
And I'm sure I'll answer for them when I'm gone

So when the day comes and
The sun won't touch my face
Tell the ones who cared enough
That I finally left this place

That's been so cold
Look at my face
All the stories it will tell I can't erase
The road is long
Just one more song
A little something to remind you when I'm gone
When I'm gone

The road to hell
Along the way
Is paved with good intentions so they say
And some believe
That no good deed
Goes unpunished in the end or so it seems

So when the day comes and
The sun won't touch my face
Tell the ones who care enough
That I finally left this place

That's been so cold
Look at my face
All the stories it will tell I can't erase
The road is long
Just one more song
A little something to remind you when I'm gone
When I'm gone

So this is it
I say goodbye
To this chapter of my ever-changing life
And there's mistakes
The path was long
And I'm sure I'll answer for them when I'm gone
When I'm gone

-yeah not a "Christian Song" but the words keep coming to mind..... Not sure why, maybe cause I'm leaving, it is a good bye..... Or that I'm pulled away from many people, both wanting to and not wanting to. Oh, God of mercy, I beg of You..... I plead of You.....what is the path and can I truly walk it ? Or am I wasting time, lost and meant to be alone ? -

Hm, leaving is bittersweet, yet it is as such

Weeks it's been, well last wrote over a month ago. Thought I wouldn't write again, yet I was asked to keep writing.....someone wants to be tortured I guess :) . I have been thinking and fighting it , yet I can't get it from my mind. So I write again. Guess I'm not breaking my word, nope can't rationalize it. I'm not going overseas, but I'm leaving. Where it leads, well I don't know..... Do I care, I can't say I don't, but it isn't my number one thought. I give up tryin to have control. I can plan this or that, but in reality..... I can only control, or try to control, my reactions to whatever comes this way.
I dunno anymore. I'm scared of today, how the heck am I supposed to worry for tomorrow? [(NET) Matthew 6:34 So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.]

Anyhow, many things are changed but not a few important ones:
1. I still mess up everyday, and make the same mistakes.....arg.....:(
2. If God is not #1, then I'm already without hope.
3. I still argue to God everyday. Hm, not good all the time, but least I'm talking right. (?)
4. There is one way, not a goal with many paths; the way God has..... Not other ways.
5. 2 months and 2 wks ( but who's counting) since I heard from her at all. Dang I wanna say something, I just have no heart for anyone else . Said I'd leave her alone and I do, doesn't mean I want to. Doesn't mean everyday I can stop thinking of her. Come on God, tell me what to do and just do it cause can't by my own power.

Alas, so begins a road, lonely in many ways, unknown the future, and heck I'm scared..... May God have a big container of grace cause I sure need it. If He doesn't forgive me and forget my sins, I'm worse than dead. Be with us, with her, convict our hearts, open our hearts and eyes, ease our weary hearts, this one hurts.....humble us as well as get us on our knees..... And forgive us. Thanks for the beautiful weather, the sky, moon, sun, air.

Good Bye- Fin - The End- Exit

Joke:
Two kindergarten kids are talking while having a lunch break.

Girl: What is the capital of America?

Boy: Washington D. C.

Girl: No! "A" is the capital of America. You already forgot our lesson: capitalize proper nouns!


Chanakya : "As long as your body is healthy and under control and death is distant, try to save your soul; when death is immanent what can you do?"

Hm, well dan, its been over a year writing. This is the end. Maybe if you get sent overseas again start again, other than that I don't see it happening. Hope it helped somebody.
What did you learn so far?

1. Believe who God says He is or you don't believe at all.

2. Either take the Bible as it says or you aren't taking it at all. Not what I say or preacher or daddy and mommy or best friend john doe (Gal. 1:6-10)

3. My heart longs for her just as much since day one. I want just her. Nothing has changed nor foresee ably will in that regard. Gosh, I miss her and hope she is ok. Please God,I'm sorry for my wrongs; do something, or let me see something. It hurts.

4. Forgiveness is a choice of constancy and repentance is an act of humility.

5. There is no plank as big as the one in our own eyes.(Matthew 7:3-5)

And the lessons keep on coming....
Hope someone got some laughs or something. One last time.....
Peace,Love, and Blessings
Now and forever

Dan

Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds.

- Gordon B. Hinckley

"

Gr, typo: " 99% of the time its ourselves giving up because we don't want to do or continue on, rather than can't. That's where excuses come from,from givin up.

Is it our circumstances or our selves that make life; 99% of the time its ourselves giving up because we don't want to do, rather and can't.

We can let circumstances rule us, or we can take charge and rule our lives from within.

- Earl Nightingale

Oliver Wendell Holmes : "People, who honestly mean to be true, really contradict themselves much more rarely than those who try to be 'consistent'."

Oh Wow

Dreams, they seem so real. Real enough that when you wake up, you think you are just continuing it or are in a dream when you wake.
Why God did I dream so vividly last night? Its so vivid that I can feel the dream when I woke and still do.
Dang it I miss and long for her so much!To just hear from her and know she is ok. To hug and hold. I beg for something, just not sure what it's supposed to be! Please God, have mercy on this wretched creature's heart. I beg to stop being this way, tryin to do what You say, I keep messing up. Like a rollercoaster; up and down and upside down.
Please be with her, guide and protect and heal that heart and mind.Maybe someday You will allow ...... Anyhow.
This world is not a home, nor are it's temporary joys and "good" feelings worth the destruction of our hearts and minds it does. Oh God , please I beg for something, I just aint sure what. I just have this longing for her, beyond belief this morning, every day.
Tryin to learn what You want, but it definitely isn't a walk in the park and is contrary to what is being taught and encouraged in this life.
Romans 7:24
24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? 7:25
25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

Romans 8:6
6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

Oh God help! What is the path and how much more will it hurt?

` t o p r e a c h t e n s e r m o n s t h a n i t i s t o l i v e o n e .

` t o p r e a c h t e n s e r m o n s t h a n i t i s t o l i v e o n e .

` M a n y f o l k s w a n t t o s e r v e G o d , b u t o n l y a s a d v i s o r s . ,
* I t i s e a s i e r

I promise to stop saying "I don't care" . It is over used and even if I have no preference of one thing over another, I do care! You doofus Dan.

The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep.
- Henry Maudsley

Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.

- Albert Einstein

F r i e n d s h i p a l w a y s b e n e f i t s . l o v e s o m e t i m e s i n j u r e s . - S e n e c a

Deuteronomy 13:4
It is the LORD your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him.

It is by acts and not by ideas that people live.

- Anatole France

Prayer is a confession of one's own unworthiness and weakness. -Mahatma Ghadhi

Prayer is a confession of one's own unworthiness and weakness. -Mahatma Ghadhi

Never assume the obvious is true.

- William Safire

Amish Humor

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

Isaiah 55:6

Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.

Einstein was a genius

Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.
- Albert Einstein

So Mr. Enstein, you have a point there. Weakness is usually mental vs physical. 99% of the time, it's mental.
I know a guy, he was negative to extent of just craziness. Everything was negative. Found out he probably would lose his job if he didn't shape up. This guy did a 360 and he is more positive in his work and efforts; wow, though he has lots of work to do still, he has come from bottom of barrel, no care, unfit, drunk..... Well, he is kicking butt in not drinking, active and everyone can see how hard he tries that he is getting an exception or extension in shaping up. This is major since others that have been in the same boat are losing their jobs and he is standing out.

Mr. Einstein, bravo.

But you got beat,
Philippians 4:13
13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

And

James 1:2
2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

Attitude, then is key? People abandon others and cheat steal and become angry and hateful and kills people inside. It has killed parts of me and I can only pray it lives again. I have a feeling it has killed parts of many people and her, in ways we ignore and deny.

God, what do we do? In the words of Paul : "Romans 7:24
24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? "

And

Romans 7:25
25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

Romans 8:1
Chapter 8

1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

Please God, ask a miracle. Please..... Your will, my hands and not my attitude.
Teach us, please, though I'm scared that if You listen to it, the lessons are gonna be long and hard and hurt. Whatever You say and do.....(Gulp )

Evening of October 2 2011 tempted ways

Evening
"He himself hath suffered being tempted."

Hebrews 2:18It is a common-place thought, and yet it tastes like nectar to the weary heart--Jesus was tempted as I am. You have heard that truth many times: have you grasped it? He was tempted to the very same sins into which we fall. Do not dissociate Jesus from our common manhood. It is a dark room which you are going through, but Jesus went through it before. It is a sharp fight which you are waging, but Jesus has stood foot to foot with the same enemy. Let us be of good cheer, Christ has borne the load before us, and the blood-stained footsteps of the King of glory may be seen along the road which we traverse at this hour. There is something sweeter yet--Jesus was tempted, but Jesus never sinned. Then, my soul, it is not needful for thee to sin, for Jesus was a man, and if one man endured these temptations and sinned not, then in his power his members may also cease from sin. Some beginners in the divine life think that they cannot be tempted without sinning, but they mistake; there is no sin in being tempted, but there is sin in yielding to temptation. Herein is comfort for the sorely tempted ones. There is still more to encourage them if they reflect that the Lord Jesus, though tempted, gloriously triumphed, and as he overcame, so surely shall his followers also, for Jesus is the representative man for his people; the Head has triumphed, and the members share in the victory. Fears are needless, for Christ is with us, armed for our defence. Our place of safety is the bosom of the Saviour. Perhaps we are tempted just now, in order to drive us nearer to him. Blessed be any wind that blows us into the port of our Saviour's love! Happy wounds, which make us seek the beloved Physician. Ye tempted ones, come to your tempted Saviour, for he can be touched with a feeling of your infirmities, and will succour every tried and tempted one.

Proverbs 29:25

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.

ahhhhh Real pain !

10 miles, 92min 57 second. Lots of pain. Why? Yay for earning a day off. Wish had one to spend it with, prolly won't use it then. God is good all the time. Thank You God for getting me to finish, dang, be with her. Wouldn't be against a miracle. :)

Guide us, help us finish the race.

David Nance; iServeHim weekend

A Beautiful Distortion(click here to hear this "Moment")   I was visiting a friend at his condo.

 

That evening, we went into the hot tub by the pool. The bubbles were off, but the

temperature was pleasant.

Then, I noticed my feet were oddly large. And, my friend’s feet seemed to be attached to

his neck.

The water, although beautiful, distorted the light, deceiving my eyes.

It was beautiful, it was comfortable, but it was innocently deceptive.

It’s a bit like what John said about many (if not most) of the ‘important’ things in our

this-worldly life: “Love not the world, neither the things in the world…the world is

passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever” (1

John 2.15-17).

Our life is deceptive. And the primary distortion might be how important things are.

This world may be urgent, but only loving God and loving the people He created are of lasting importance.





So, while we enjoy life’s beauty, let’s try not to get caught up in its distortion.
That will makes the peace which passes understanding a bit easier to find.

I'm Dave Nance.

Hm, what is important? Education, jobs, money, what I want, feeling good, feeling confortable, getting what I want or what one wants? It will all pass away. It is in accordance with eccl. Where it talks of everything is meaningless. Only to fear God and His commands. Um, its really dumb, but doing that seems the most happy and fulfilling. Then why do we keep going back to putting the "important" (to me or world) stuff on the same level or ahead of God ? Hm, its crazy, I can't explain it and I'm flabberghasted by it cause I can't make sense of it.
Why do we do it? Hm, good point Mr. Nance, to know and do are 2 dif things. Hm, more to remember and work on. "Important" is not important, meaningful maybe, but not truly "can't live life if I don't get this, do this, etc.)

-FIN-

Please God, I beg for well, what's the way, " Your will, my hands." Heal us and help us to forgive and let go of evil that we do and is done to us. Love and keep the faith.

What is going on God? Why is my heart continually tormented? I wake up and BANG, it hurts? Is there any answer? I long for her still! I'm tryin to relax and live and stuff. But dang it, I can't even go a 1/2 hour without her running through my mind; I know there are things that I could have done different, never is there perfection, but God, what does it all mean? Am I supposed to be doing something now? Why does it keep um, removing the breath from me? Am I not supposed to forget? Am I supposed to be doing something else? I have no idea! I hate not hearing from her, only reading the wrongs I have done and none of the good. God, it is loneliness, no other person fits that area. You put it out yourself, one person, unless adultery and Your definition, not the twisting, everchanging definition of the world or wolves in sheeps clothing. Dang it, I pray to hear from her yet it tears at me because then what? Do something God , please!
I try and try, something is missing. Please be with her and whatever it means of the "space" wanted. I long but can You take it away or just I dunno, make it stop hurting daily? Please, I'm tryin and failing at all this.
I read, I pray like crazy, but still mess up. What do You want with this wretched creature?
Where am I supposed to go? Which way is toward the goal and not down some other path? The stuff that keeps hitting the heart about her, will it become clear why it is still going? Am my doing something else wrong? Is this loneliness, even surrounded by people, is there a meaning to it? Why can't I get another chance, it isn't like I never admitted I was gonna keep messing up; are not all sinners who fall short? Is that not why we needed salvation..... We keep messing up, can't keep commands all the time?
Please God, I beg for a miracle, I have no idea what, but something. I know what I want, but I can't trust it to be right. Jeremiah was right in saying, that the heart is deceitful above all things, or proverbs where it speaks of trusting You and leaning not on one's own understanding.
I'm a speck of dust in comparison to the least of Your wisdom. Please, return in force, delight in You. Remove the sins and the memory of them, heal our hearts and push us to forgive and learn from the evils and hold onto the good. Please take this loneliness away. I have no idea what to do, help me to close my eyes and please let hold onto the hem of your clothes, for I am nothing, and do not deserve anything , yet I pray it is not too late for my soul. Your will, my messed up hands, Please. Be with her and be our foundation, not mixed with the impurities of our understanding or desires.
And if it may please you, use me to get the guy to come to church with me, he asks for it and maybe You can get his family too, cause he, they need Your guidance.

I know I'm outta my mind, please God replace that mind. Be with the missions.
Thanks for allowing me to write, I pray it helps someone, Oh God I beg for another chance!

and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.

1 Corinthians 2:14

The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness,

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

to the hands of the living God.

[ H e b r e w s 1 0 : 3 0 - 3 1

F o r w e k n o w h i m w h o s a i d , I t i s m i n e t o a v e n g e ;

[ I w i l l r e p a y , a n d a g a i n , T h e L o r d w i l l j u d g e h i s p e o p l e . I t i s a

[ d r e a d f u l t h i n g t o f a l l i n

Evening of 25SEP2011- of "morning and evening"

Hm, was gonna put the morning one out, but something happened and copied the evening. Think there was a reason, hope it make sense. Fits into todays um, "under" point of class today. Seems too real. Way to close to home and mind. Too many people seem to be going this way, I have been included, trying not to and learn to, but yikes.

"Who of God is made unto us wisdom."

1 Corinthians 1:30Man's intellect seeks after rest, and by nature seeks it apart from the Lord Jesus Christ. Men of education are apt, even when converted, to look upon the simplicities of the cross of Christ with an eye too little reverent and loving. They are snared in the old net in which the Grecians were taken, and have a hankering to mix philosophy with revelation. The temptation with a man of refined thought and high education is to depart from the simple truth of Christ crucified, and to invent, as the term is, a more intellectual doctrine. This led the early Christian churches into Gnosticism, and bewitched them with all sorts of heresies. This is the root of Neology, and the other fine things which in days gone by were so fashionable in Germany, and are now so ensnaring to certain classes of divines. Whoever you are, good reader, and whatever your education may be, if you be the Lord's, be assured you will find no rest in philosophizing divinity. You may receive this dogma of one great thinker, or that dream of another profound reasoner, but what the chaff is to the wheat, that will these be to the pure word of God. All that reason, when best guided, can find out is but the A B C of truth, and even that lacks certainty, while in Christ Jesus there is treasured up all the fulness of wisdom and knowledge. All attempts on the part of Christians to be content with systems such as Unitarian and Broad-church thinkers would approve of, must fail; true heirs of heaven must come back to the grandly simple reality which makes the ploughboy's eye flash with joy, and gladens the pious pauper's heart--"Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners." Jesus satisfies the most elevated intellect when he is believingly received, but apart from him the mind of the regenerate discovers no rest. "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge." "A good understanding have all they that do his commandments."

hm, as the world turns.....

Hm, so there I was, asking for help from a guy and what came with the help? Lots of criticism and sarcasm. Was the advice good? Sure, but at what price? Is that really how I am? Ask for something of me and then it comes with "accessories" aka more than asked for?

"Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to get angry" in James. So I'm slower to get angry, but not frustrated. I'm calmer yet my tongue has been quick still to retort, feels like each word spoken is a challenge.

There is a difference between listening and doing. I listen to people but I don't do what they say. I'll hear what they say, but to listen have to take it deeper in. What God is the issue? Everyone has their idea of what is best for themselves but who truly knows ? How many times will we run down the same path? Why is it so hard to just listen to You?

Randomness, it feels like organized chaos. Yes it makes no sense. I just want I guess, not so much freedom, just um, a real answer.

How is it I still can't go an hour without her on my mind? That I long desperately to talk to her and so forth? What the heck is the answer?! Will You ever let me know God? Why do I care but can't do a dang thing about it?
I just want another hundred chances cause I'm already convinced I'm gonna mess up a lot. Like always. We all do. Please God, do something in this regard, its making me loopy.

Those who base it on themselves know even less.

Who is it that is righteous of their own right? Or who is wise in their own minds? Men know now wisdom from themselves; those who claim it do not have it....

benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may

arg, again and again.....

Again I wake, and I freak out. Suddenly I realize or remember I'm sleeping on a couch. I can't help but just break down. I have to get it into my mind, there is no choice but to pray and cry. Alone, in the dark, scared of living alone and in the darkness of this world. Why God? Is there any hope. Loneliness overtakes me as I cry and beg,beg for something, someone. People are nice but there is just something missing. God, why does it seem like not good enough, not filled ? How did it end up this way? Will I fail hard today again? I'm so afraid and so alone, I got no turn but to you. The world says, replace just forget, but I can't . Something has to be the point, others forget so easily, but I try and can't. This heart still longs for her. God fill me up with something, I'm freaking out, and today will be crazy at work. God please, return to me your love for you, fill me up with You and if the forementioned stuff can be dulled, if there can be a miracle, please. Alone in a way I didn't realize could be, I beg for some miracle!

Evening - 18SEP2011

What is trust without borders? What is following blindly vs following with full trust? Do we exam ourselves to see if we are following truth fully with full confidence in Jesus or is it really ourselves with "religous" back up aka comes from our own wants and feelings and emotions..... Our desires can destroy us.....

John 10:27
27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:

We should follow our Lord as unhesitatingly as sheep follow their shepherd, for he has a right to lead us wherever he pleases. We are not our own, we are bought with a price--let us recognize the rights of the redeeming blood. The soldier follows his captain, the servant obeys his master, much more must we follow our Redeemer, to whom we are a purchased possession. We are not true to our profession of being Christians, if we question the bidding of our Leader and Commander. Submission is our duty, cavilling is our folly. Often might our Lord say to us as to Peter, "What is that to thee? Follow thou me." Wherever Jesus may lead us, he goes before us. If we know not where we go, we know with whom we go. With such a companion, who will dread the perils of the road? The journey may be long, but his everlasting arms will carry us to the end. The presence of Jesus is the assurance of eternal salvation, because he lives, we shall live also. We should follow Christ in simplicity and faith, because the paths in which he leads us all end in glory and immortality. It is true they may not be smooth paths--they may be covered with sharp flinty trials, but they lead to the "city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God." "All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth unto such as keep his covenant." Let us put full trust in our Leader, since we know that, come prosperity or adversity, sickness or health, popularity or contempt, his purpose shall be worked out, and that purpose shall be pure, unmingled good to every heir of mercy. We shall find it sweet to go up the bleak side of the hill with Christ; and when rain and snow blow into our faces, his dear love will make us far more blest than those who sit at home and warm their hands at the world's fire. To the top of Amana, to the dens of lions, or to the hills of leopards, we will follow our Beloved. Precious Jesus, draw us, and we will run after thee.

Ephesians 5:1

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children

-what is the example? Is it vengeance, jealousy, anger, hate? He has all those traits, He has said He is a jealous God (Deuteronomy 4:24 ) anger too (Psalm 7:2) Vengeance (Hebrews 10:30) and hates (Romans 9:13) .

Nope. The only thing of these is hate, to hate evil. Other than that, it is all about Love, mercy, and giving of oneself. Saving, caring, bearing with us, and sticking with that. Hm, so example to follow is servanthood, out of caring not out of only command. The command is step one, then learning to love the command. How that would save so much among people if it were so. The example of the Most High then, is totally opposite of what we want it to be.

Seems I still come off too strong, all have bad things to em, I'm no more perfect or clean than a robber stealing from a manure plant. Just that all have sinned and fall short....Romans 3:23
23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

And also Romans 3:27
27 Where is boasting then? It is excluded. By what law? of works? Nay: but by the law of faith.
So we all need help, there is too much war between people, arg, it isn't a war from you to me, its a war of good vs ba, it is bigger than that. That is what allows us to persevere, its bigger than us and we each need each other; not to fight and hate.... Others have and go through more than what has hurt us, anyways, I dunno. Maybe I'm outta my mind, Dan. Maybe missing the point.

Evening-16SEP2011

"You hurt me" You are the doing this wrong" "you need to do this" - so many times we blame everyone else, and put ourself in the "victim" zone. So, I'm the problem, I'm the sinner, I'm the demon. Throw stones at me and blame me..... Before or while you are throwing stones, remember this.....John 8:7
7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. ....John 8:9
9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

Anyhow, why oh man, why? Along with this writing I read today....

!

Evening
"Am I a sea, or a whale, that thou settest a watch over me?"

Job 7:12This was a strange question for Job to ask of the Lord. He felt himself to be too insignificant to be so strictly watched and chastened, and he hoped that he was not so unruly as to need to be so restrained. The enquiry was natural from one surrounded with such insupportable miseries, but after all, it is capable of a very humbling answer. It is true man is not the sea, but he is even more troublesome and unruly. The sea obediently respects its boundary, and though it be but a belt of sand, it does not overleap the limit. Mighty as it is, it hears the divine hitherto, and when most raging with tempest it respects the word; but self-willed man defies heaven and oppresses earth, neither is there any end to this rebellious rage. The sea, obedient to the moon, ebbs and flows with ceaseless regularity, and thus renders an active as well as a passive obedience; but man, restless beyond his sphere, sleeps within the lines of duty, indolent where he should be active. He will neither come nor go at the divine command, but sullenly prefers to do what he should not, and to leave undone that which is required of him. Every drop in the ocean, every beaded bubble, and every yeasty foam-flake, every shell and pebble, feel the power of law, and yield or move at once. O that our nature were but one thousandth part as much conformed to the will of God! We call the sea fickle and false, but how constant it is! Since our fathers' days, and the old time before them, the sea is where it was, beating on the same cliffs to the same tune; we know where to find it, it forsakes not its bed, and changes not in its ceaseless boom; but where is man-vain, fickle man? Can the wise man guess by what folly he will next be seduced from his obedience? We need more watching than the billowy sea, and are far more rebellious. Lord, rule us for thine own glory. Amen.

1 John 4:16

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

- Winston Churchill

- lies spread like wild fire. Truth takes its sweet time.

"Prayer is a confession of own's own unworthiness and weakness."
-Mahatma Gandhi
-Seems I should be constantly praying then, cause I apparently am weaker than a sheet of paper and of less worth than a penny; isn't that what everyone is saying? Guess I'm worth slime.


Benjamin Disraeli : "Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret."
-you can say that again!

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it” - Charles R. Swindoll

- need to learn to react better. Sorta like "glass is half empty or half full" , one can have everything but see it as not ahaving this or that; or have less than others yet be happier than a kid in a candy store.

Albert Camus : "An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself."

-Have to start at watching, then doing something about it, out of the heart comes all types of stuff; the good, bad, and ugly. Have to be working on watching mind, or turn into/ become an uncontrolled nightmare.

1 Peter 3:8

[Suffering for Doing Good] Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

- yikes, burns.

morning - from Morning and Evening 12SEP

God wants us, all of us. None can compare and we do the same, if you create something you take pride in it and want to call it your own, want the pet to love you, the spouse to love you, the son/daughter to love you. So when something happens we get jealous.

Now for the Morning -

"God is jealous."

Nahum 1:2Your Lord is very jealous of your love, O believer. Did he choose you? He cannot bear that you should choose another. Did he buy you with his own blood? He cannot endure that you should think that you are your own, or that you belong to this world. He loved you with such a love that he would not stop in heaven without you; he would sooner die than you should perish, and he cannot endure that anything should stand between your heart's love and himself. He is very jealous of your trust. He will not permit you to trust in an arm of flesh. He cannot bear that you should hew out broken cisterns, when the overflowing fountain is always free to you. When we lean upon him, he is glad, but when we transfer our dependence to another, when we rely upon our own wisdom, or the wisdom of a friend--worst of all, when we trust in any works of our own, he is displeased, and will chasten us that he may bring us to himself. He is also very jealous of our company. There should be no one with whom we converse so much as with Jesus. To abide in him only, this is true love; but to commune with the world, to find sufficient solace in our carnal comforts, to prefer even the society of our fellow Christians to secret intercourse with him, this is grievous to our jealous Lord. He would fain have us abide in him, and enjoy constant fellowship with himself; and many of the trials which he sends us are for the purpose of weaning our hearts from the creature, and fixing them more closely upon himself. Let this jealousy which would keep us near to Christ be also a comfort to us, for if he loves us so much as to care thus about our love we may be sure that he will suffer nothing to harm us, and will protect us from all our enemies. Oh that we may have grace this day to keep our hearts in sacred chastity for our Beloved alone, with sacred jealousy shutting our eyes to all the fascinations of the world!

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.
- Helen Keller

-this woman overcame a lot, maybe she knows a little about what she says.
:)

Johann von Goethe : "All intelligent thoughts have already been thought; what is necessary is only to try to think them again."

-Eccl. 3 again

hm.....Help?

Psalm 121:1-2

A song of ascents. I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. 

So, where does this come into play for you, Dan?  Hm, are you looking up? Should you be listened too?

One month ago one of the people at church asked you “ Hi, are you a visitor?”  Tonight, the same person asked me again “ Hi, are you a visitor?” HAHAHAHAHA! This is not a good happy laugh, was sorta funny, since I knew the person’s name , yet sad that they had to ask that. How can you call yourself one of the fold if you do not make yourself known to them? I’m not a big people person, crowds are not my thing and even less so, I’m more of a one on one person.

How does this comply into the verse? Does God know you are there? Do you only go to Him when you are down or need something? Do you really go to Him, or is your mind made up and you are just checking the box?  David messed up many times, yet each time he went back to God. Not in good or bad only, in all things. When he was doing well, happy, sad, poor, angry, confused. Surely that is the heart of one God helps. What is in your heart, is it a daily song in good, bad, happy, sad, mad, depressed, lonely? Or is it a heart of “help me God, cause I messed up trying to do my own thing and now I’m in deep and You’re my last resort, and I’m not really repentant, just got caught this time.” ?

Yeah, work was kicking my bum, was stuck out on days and yada yada…..(excuses excuses) , you have walked miles for no reason, but since someone couldn’t lend you their vehicle, now it is too “far” to walk? No, your heart was / is in the wrong, your desire is not for God, save when you get caught. Truly you used to love Him and delight in the Word. You must learn again. You must remember, you must put your face on the ground. Humanity is junk, wisdom, education, power, money, many friends, are nothing without God as the head. Your loneliness, even surrounded by people, is an object of ones own making. God is all we need. I know Dan, there is that part in you that is empty with her gone, and even God said “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Gen. 2:18). Yeah, that part is empty, but will you allow it to eat away at your soul or will you let God deal with it? Dan, you are an idiot. No, this is not to degrade you, but you are a dunce. Since when did you ever fix it at all? Even now, you think, how you could fix it yourself. Humans are incapable of fixing themselves without God.

Oh, God, it HURTS DAILY! Please, take it and do what You will! Lighten the hurt for both, become the one true one in both of us! I have so much to learn and relearn! Where to start? Dan, Dan, look up, look up…… I’m helpless. No more alone please, God. What did Jesus say,  (Matthew 26) ³⁹ Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”…..  ⁴² He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

God, You aren’t asking me to do what He did, but God, like always, He had the right way….please, if there is some other way than this….arg, in my heart I keep saying I can be better, or do better….but You know that it would be a loss in the end, God I need YOU, Your will be done, please, lead me down the road, but I know my way of doing things, but no matter what, Your way be done.

Please any possible way….. I got ideas…… no, Your way, Your will….. it hurts….. Your way, Your will…… be with all…… Your way, Your will…..

The real secret of patience is to find something to do in the meantime.
- E.M. Forester

-Matt. 28:18-20
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” - Winston Churchill

- Eccl. 3

Alexander Pope : "Whoever thinks a faultless piece to see. Thinks what never was, nor is, nor ever shall be."

- None are perfect, it can either destroy us or give us something to work for. Love trumps it.
1 Cor. 13

from Morning and Evening 07SEPT

"And when they could not come nigh unto him for the press, they uncovered the roof where he was: and when they had broken it up, they let down the bed wherein the sick of the palsy lay."

Mark 2:4Faith is full of inventions. The house was full, a crowd blocked up the door, but faith found a way of getting at the Lord and placing the palsied man before him. If we cannot get sinners where Jesus is by ordinary methods we must use extraordinary ones. It seems, according to Luke 5:19, that a tiling had to be removed, which would make dust and cause a measure of danger to those below, but where the case is very urgent we must not mind running some risks and shocking some proprieties. Jesus was there to heal, and therefore fall what might, faith ventured all so that her poor paralysed charge might have his sins forgiven. O that we had more daring faith among us! Cannot we, dear reader, seek it this morning for ourselves and for our fellow-workers, and will we not try today to perform some gallant act for the love of souls and the glory of the Lord.

The world is constantly inventing; genius serves all the purposes of human desire: cannot faith invent too, and reach by some new means the outcasts who lie perishing around us? It was the presence of Jesus which excited victorious courage in the four bearers of the palsied man: is not the Lord among us now? Have we seen his face for ourselves this morning? Have we felt his healing power in our own souls? If so, then through door, through window, or through roof, let us, breaking through all impediments, labour to bring poor souls to Jesus. All means are good and decorous when faith and love are truly set on winning souls. If hunger for bread can break through stone walls, surely hunger for souls is not to be hindered in its efforts. O Lord, make us quick to suggest methods of reaching thy poor sin-sick ones, and bold to carry them out at all hazards

“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.” - Seneca

Bad administration, to be sure, can destroy good policy; but good administration can never save bad policy.
- Adlai E. Stevenson

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- Winston Churchill

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

- Mark Twain

Hm, or in other words, if you don't use what you have, it is the same as one who doesn't have it ?


“The truth is not for all men, but only for those who seek it.” - Ayn Rand

-truth is still truth, only truth, a dilution of the truth is not truth, for truth stands still. Truth must be sought with as little to know expectation of what one wants it to be; in order to not dilute truth-


I dunno man,you might be out of your mind with this.

Randomness..... Cassius, such a cool name. Reminds me or a roman warrior or more evidently, Cassius Clay aka ali , perhaps the best boxer in history. Cassius, have to find out what it means. Maybe good, just sounds cool. Congrats to them on the new baby.

John 14:23

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them

-Do you Love Him? Is there even room or is it filled with another love?-

where are You?

Are you listening God?! I'm a wretched fool! I'm wrong, I'm not perfect, I need You! Return to me the joy of the Word! Return to me the random prayers in the day where it became conversations to you! Return to me the Love of everything you that was there from youth! Return to me the belief that over is never over! You said that with You all things are possible! Make me believe that! Please! That you can make love grow again between us! That what drove 2 together may sprout again! I'm not wishing for another, get back that one! Return to the top, keep back the anger, the guilt, the pride, arrogance, self isolation, the lack of accepting or admitting wrong! I'm a lot of things, but I don't give up! That may be the only good thing or bad thing. I'm not giving up, I just can't keep it up at this rate, I haven't been keeping up. Help Me, Please! There has to be a reason you are saying no, but why can't I get her from my head?! Why can't this mind just breakdown and submit?! I don't know what else I have to give..... I just don't know..... I'm not looking for another, but other things keep trying to fill in the void. I tried talking to You today, no video games, no nothing, but I kept arguing to You. I want to argue, I want release of this pain, of this pride, to believe You haven't given up on me, that there is a chance. Without You there is no reason for life, if there is no You, no one or nothing will ever be "it". I feel so alone and afraid. I want her, but it will never worked right because I didn't want You enough, pedestals were wrong, so the whole thing comes crashing down. Let me have another chance, Please! I can do better, even at an inch at a time.....Please..... I'm dying here, help me..... I'm drowning, throw out a life preserver..... I'm weaker than it looks, carry me on a stretcher,give me direction.....nothing is impossible, reconcile and return! I know if it is You saying good bye, then release me from this worthless world, it holds no real pleasure, just more burdens.....Please God.....I got nothing, it doesn't matter money, power, education, people, nothing will be a real fulfillment.....just a chasing after the wind. Please God, not alone, not alone..... Please.....

chances chances, more chances

Ever since the beginning, I knew I needed chances. David needed chances, peter needed chances, Paul needed chances, so why did my chances run out? I said with you and with her, don't give up; I'm gonna mess up", just know I'm in it til the end, I won't give up but I'm gonna mess up .

So why did it all just stop? I didn't give up. I just don't know what to do. Come on God, give me chance, on all of it. I know I'm gonna mess up, but I won't give up! Please! Dang it! I'm tryin to understand. Gosh, I'm tryin but it seems hit the end of the line. Is that it? Even runners hit the wall, but they keep going, I'm tryin to run, and I'm hitting walls, please oh God, give me chances! I'm not lying, I'm admitting I'm gonna mess up and I do! Thought the tryin meant something. Come on, PlEASE! I need more chances with it all! Everything, people,her, what I'm supposed to do now. Dang it, are you listening? Does it mean anything?

men of the Bible

Before I put this up, this is a man I have read about a couple times. Maybe I should change mmy name to him, it seems many should because of what he did. This is not a good thing, as you well wiLl see, Dan. Arg, the things we do, the things we do not learn from; though the past speaks examples out to us. God forgive me.


Rehoboam, Roboam[Rēhōbō'am,Rōbō'am] -

freer of the people or

the people is enlarged.

The son of Solomon by Naamah, an Ammonitess (

1 Kings 11:43; 14:21).

At the revolt he was left with only two tribes.

The Man Who Scorned Good Advice
Although Rehoboam was the son of a wise father, he himself had a small mind. From the fifty references to this man, who scorned wise counsel, we can learn a great many facts. Although named as an ancestor of Christ (

Matt. 1:7), he was unworthy of such an honor for three reasons.

I. He was dominated by a false principle. Rehoboam entertained an erroneous idea of the relation between a sovereign and his subjects. He was obsessed with the false premise that the subjects existed for the sovereign and not the sovereign for the subjects. Daily surrounded by unscrupulous flatterers who fed his self-importance, Rehoboam came to accept the nonsensical fiction of "the divine right of kings," that led him to treat his subjects as mere puppets to be manipulated for the benefit of his reigning house.

Whether this outlook was the result of a perverse disposition or wrong training may be hard to decide. Rehoboam had been brought up under the autocratic rule of his father, Solomon, to whom

subjects were synonymous to

slaves. When the people appealed, it was more against Solomon than Rehoboam, who had not had the opportunity of proving his quality as a king. So the first appeal to Rehoboam was, "Thy father made our yoke grievous," and the son sought to copy the defect of his father. Lamentable failure, however, overtook this feeble son of an illustrious father.

II. He followed the wrong advice. Alexander Whyte introduces his homily on

Rehoboam with the sentence: "Just by one insolent and swaggering word, King Rehoboam lost for ever the ten tribes of Israel. And all Rehoboam's insane and suicidal history is written in our Bible for the admonition and instruction of all hot-blooded, ill-natured, and insolent-spoken men among ourselves."

What a different history of the Jews would have been written had Rehoboam not followed the advice of reckless counselors. When he went to Shechem, the rallying center of the northern tribes, to be formally crowned as king in succession to Solomon, the people were willing to accept Rehoboam on one condition, namely that he should lighten the burdens imposed upon them by Solomon. This reasonable request, which should have been acceded to without any hesitation, was met with the cautious reply: "Come again to me after three days." But Rehoboam lost a golden opportunity of healing the sores of fears and of preserving the unity of God's ancient people.

First of all, the king sought the advice of the old men who had been counselors of his father and whose ripe experience qualified them to guide Rehoboam. They urged the king to be kind and considerate. "Speak good words unto them, and they will be thy servants forever." But with his mind already made up, he rejected the counsel of the old men, and consulting the opinion of his young, rash companions who had always fed his vanity, he followed their advice and, assuming a haughty attitude, announced that he would add to the yoke of the people. "My father chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions."

The effect was instantaneous, and a long-suffering people, smarting for so long under a sense of wrong, refused to be cowed, like the brave Hungarian people, by empty boastings. Thus the slumbering embers of revolt burst into a flame, and the kingdom was rent in twain and Israel's greatness destroyed.

III. He failed to give God the first place. If Rehoboam had consulted the Supreme King of Nations before seeking the advice of old and young men, how beneficial the monarchy would have been. While at the first he posed as the defender of the faith of his fathers and maintained the Temple services with signal fidelity, he failed to render God an undivided homage. The last years of Solomon's brilliant reign were darkened by the recognition of heathen gods and their degrading cults which, along with the fact that Rehoboam was the son of a heathen woman, helped to explain his apostasy. So attempting the impossible, he sought to please God and worship idols at the same time. But said Rehoboam's perfect Descendant: "No man can serve two masters."

At first pious (

2 Chron. 12:1) Rehoboam fell into such iniquity that an Egyptian scourge came upon the king and the two tribes he ruled. Brief penitence stayed vengeance, but the rot had set in (

2 Chron. 12:5, 8). So we leave Rehoboam, who went astray in a threefold direction, ruining himself and the people he sought to govern. He lost the best part of his kingdom and reduced Israel as a whole to a subordinate rank among nations.