Well, let’s see. This week stunk, and today was the most frustrating days of it. How is it that I can oversee, train, teach, help, be confident and do what is asked of me., but when I’m being evaluated I totally just lose my confidence and crash and burn?
I know my job. Everyone put under m supervision and those with me and above me that I work with have respect and confidence in me. But today I had to go in front of a panel f random seniors and they got to grill me, seeing if I had what it took … which meant knowing a lot of facts and such ad whether I was confident and LOUD in answering. I bombed it. Yes I’m very critical of myself. I didn’t um, win the employee of the month, and so I lost.
God’s fault right? (by the way, tis is sarcastic and what follows) It had to be God’s fault why I bombed it, why this week has stunk, why I was nervous out of my mind, and just failed….. had to be…. Couldn’t be that I wasted time not studying properly, nor that I havegiven God a disregard which fluctuates every day, nor that I didn’t figure out how to properly study until a couple days ago……No couldn’t have something to do with that….(sarcasm done)
I KNOW the answers, I knew them! I just failed……so what is the first thing I do ? Yup, blame God, cause of course if it doesn’t go right it has to be His fault. Boy was I mad, I knew the answers, I thought I was being loud, they didn’t care that my voice was messed up and I couldn’t scream out the answers…..all in all God’s fault…..
Yup, if it goes right, I’m happy with myself and say a “thanks God” but if it goes wrong….You God messed me up, you don’t care and yada yada…….
No, I know in my heart it isn’t God’s fault, (see sarcasm above). No if and’s or buts…..yet it just isn’t the same.
Job said - Job 2:10 He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.)
Well, later on after telling everyone for the umpteenth time I failed, I didn’t get ridiculed, mainly that I need to have more confidence in myself cause they know that I know and am ready to be promoted….. I can let that failure kill me or make me focus more on proving wrong…..today I just got the mindset that, “yup, this was dumb, you got the skills, you just have to focus and learn…..”
No it wasn’t God’s fault, it’s not His fault I’m double minded, disrespectful to Him, make the same mistakes, nor that I’m mad at Him for this whole business this week nor this past year and a half. (1 John 1:5-10 5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all[b] sin.
8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.)
Someone once told me, “why should God do anything when you won’t let Him do anything? Why should He help you when you don’t respect Him as you know you need to? (Psalm 14:1
For the director of music. Of David. The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good. ….. Job 5:3
I myself have seen a fool taking root, but suddenly his house was cursed.)
For the director of music. Of David. The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good. ….. Job 5:3
I myself have seen a fool taking root, but suddenly his house was cursed.)
When you are double minded? Why should God reconcile between people when they/you won’t reconcile fully to Him?”
He won’t.
(selfish truth) “why me God? Why blah blah did this happen? You must hate me” (selfish truth end) (Luke 6:46
[ The Wise and Foolish Builders ] “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?)
[ The Wise and Foolish Builders ] “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?)
There are three things in my heart that I long for….. her, get promoted, get my papers so I can leave here, find a church before I leave at the place I’m going…..hm, it is just honest truth…..it is a wrong truth……Where is longing for God? (Matthew 6: 32-33 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well…..Mark 12:29-31 29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[a] 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”) Or what He wants? ….. So many say “I’m following God….I’m doing what He says to do …… I know what HE means here and where I have to INTERPRET for MYSELF what He means……..” I’m living proof, and a failing living proof with that mind set… (1 Corinthians 2:14
The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit……. 1 Corinthians 3: 18-19 18 Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”)
The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit……. 1 Corinthians 3: 18-19 18 Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”)
Hm, perhaps I’m already gone from His presence, maybe God has given up on me and I’m the one who is said of in Hebrews 6:4-6 … 4 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen[c] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.”
I don’t know if You are listening to me or not God, but take care of her, You already know what I want and where my heart has been and is. I dunno what the point is then, but I dunno. I’m not fully committed to You… so can’t rightfully blame You for not listening. Whatever it is, I’m a mess and whatever You are gonna do, just do it please.
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