What is going on God? Why is my heart continually tormented? I wake up and BANG, it hurts? Is there any answer? I long for her still! I'm tryin to relax and live and stuff. But dang it, I can't even go a 1/2 hour without her running through my mind; I know there are things that I could have done different, never is there perfection, but God, what does it all mean? Am I supposed to be doing something now? Why does it keep um, removing the breath from me? Am I not supposed to forget? Am I supposed to be doing something else? I have no idea! I hate not hearing from her, only reading the wrongs I have done and none of the good. God, it is loneliness, no other person fits that area. You put it out yourself, one person, unless adultery and Your definition, not the twisting, everchanging definition of the world or wolves in sheeps clothing. Dang it, I pray to hear from her yet it tears at me because then what? Do something God , please!
I try and try, something is missing. Please be with her and whatever it means of the "space" wanted. I long but can You take it away or just I dunno, make it stop hurting daily? Please, I'm tryin and failing at all this.
I read, I pray like crazy, but still mess up. What do You want with this wretched creature?
Where am I supposed to go? Which way is toward the goal and not down some other path? The stuff that keeps hitting the heart about her, will it become clear why it is still going? Am my doing something else wrong? Is this loneliness, even surrounded by people, is there a meaning to it? Why can't I get another chance, it isn't like I never admitted I was gonna keep messing up; are not all sinners who fall short? Is that not why we needed salvation..... We keep messing up, can't keep commands all the time?
Please God, I beg for a miracle, I have no idea what, but something. I know what I want, but I can't trust it to be right. Jeremiah was right in saying, that the heart is deceitful above all things, or proverbs where it speaks of trusting You and leaning not on one's own understanding.
I'm a speck of dust in comparison to the least of Your wisdom. Please, return in force, delight in You. Remove the sins and the memory of them, heal our hearts and push us to forgive and learn from the evils and hold onto the good. Please take this loneliness away. I have no idea what to do, help me to close my eyes and please let hold onto the hem of your clothes, for I am nothing, and do not deserve anything , yet I pray it is not too late for my soul. Your will, my messed up hands, Please. Be with her and be our foundation, not mixed with the impurities of our understanding or desires.
And if it may please you, use me to get the guy to come to church with me, he asks for it and maybe You can get his family too, cause he, they need Your guidance.

I know I'm outta my mind, please God replace that mind. Be with the missions.
Thanks for allowing me to write, I pray it helps someone, Oh God I beg for another chance!