Hm, leaving is bittersweet, yet it is as such

Weeks it's been, well last wrote over a month ago. Thought I wouldn't write again, yet I was asked to keep writing.....someone wants to be tortured I guess :) . I have been thinking and fighting it , yet I can't get it from my mind. So I write again. Guess I'm not breaking my word, nope can't rationalize it. I'm not going overseas, but I'm leaving. Where it leads, well I don't know..... Do I care, I can't say I don't, but it isn't my number one thought. I give up tryin to have control. I can plan this or that, but in reality..... I can only control, or try to control, my reactions to whatever comes this way.
I dunno anymore. I'm scared of today, how the heck am I supposed to worry for tomorrow? [(NET) Matthew 6:34 So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.]

Anyhow, many things are changed but not a few important ones:
1. I still mess up everyday, and make the same mistakes.....arg.....:(
2. If God is not #1, then I'm already without hope.
3. I still argue to God everyday. Hm, not good all the time, but least I'm talking right. (?)
4. There is one way, not a goal with many paths; the way God has..... Not other ways.
5. 2 months and 2 wks ( but who's counting) since I heard from her at all. Dang I wanna say something, I just have no heart for anyone else . Said I'd leave her alone and I do, doesn't mean I want to. Doesn't mean everyday I can stop thinking of her. Come on God, tell me what to do and just do it cause can't by my own power.

Alas, so begins a road, lonely in many ways, unknown the future, and heck I'm scared..... May God have a big container of grace cause I sure need it. If He doesn't forgive me and forget my sins, I'm worse than dead. Be with us, with her, convict our hearts, open our hearts and eyes, ease our weary hearts, this one hurts.....humble us as well as get us on our knees..... And forgive us. Thanks for the beautiful weather, the sky, moon, sun, air.