28 days ago, I knew tomorrow would be a day away. Started strong but now tomorrow is almost here. I already know I'm gonna fail, I did it to myself. I keep telling the guys I'm gonna fail, but somehow they think it's an act. Now I'm nervous, anxious, ashamed of myself.
I'm angry and ashamed I have to do this on my own and that I'm failing at it. I just want everything out of my head. For a day. No thoughts of loneliness, shame of my actions, confusion of what I was supposed to do and what it means to forgive. Just make it all go away. One day is all I ask, cause right now, I feel crazy; as if walking in a glass house and I'm rolling around in a hamster wheel with spikes all over it.
But no, nowim cramming for tomorrow, by myself.....unconcerned by any it seems, unable to get real help, my other half? Was there ever a other half? To me yes, yet why then does God just let it rip away? Dang it, you made mistakes Dan. Arg, yup still unbalanced on meaning of all this and now my own imposed anxiety adds to it. One day , God, is all I ask. Just make it better, cause all I seem to do is get myself deeper in the ground. Why was it so easy for anyone else, but me, I can't deal with it ?
How was it righteous? It wasn't and isn't. But it doesn't change it. Is there any real forgiveness or reconciliation?
I'm not ready for tomorrow, can't even handle today and all the yesterdays.
Why God? Why let it be like this? Where is forgiveness and reconciliation?
There is absolute, but everyone wants relative..... Sigh, what is it You are saying, God ? Why after this time, is this like this, what is the mind not grappling?
It makes no sense . I long still worse than before, but it seems like steel reinforced cell is closing around me. How long til I'm crushed? Will You save me?
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