ahhhhh Real pain !

10 miles, 92min 57 second. Lots of pain. Why? Yay for earning a day off. Wish had one to spend it with, prolly won't use it then. God is good all the time. Thank You God for getting me to finish, dang, be with her. Wouldn't be against a miracle. :)

Guide us, help us finish the race.

David Nance; iServeHim weekend

A Beautiful Distortion(click here to hear this "Moment")   I was visiting a friend at his condo.

 

That evening, we went into the hot tub by the pool. The bubbles were off, but the

temperature was pleasant.

Then, I noticed my feet were oddly large. And, my friend’s feet seemed to be attached to

his neck.

The water, although beautiful, distorted the light, deceiving my eyes.

It was beautiful, it was comfortable, but it was innocently deceptive.

It’s a bit like what John said about many (if not most) of the ‘important’ things in our

this-worldly life: “Love not the world, neither the things in the world…the world is

passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever” (1

John 2.15-17).

Our life is deceptive. And the primary distortion might be how important things are.

This world may be urgent, but only loving God and loving the people He created are of lasting importance.





So, while we enjoy life’s beauty, let’s try not to get caught up in its distortion.
That will makes the peace which passes understanding a bit easier to find.

I'm Dave Nance.

Hm, what is important? Education, jobs, money, what I want, feeling good, feeling confortable, getting what I want or what one wants? It will all pass away. It is in accordance with eccl. Where it talks of everything is meaningless. Only to fear God and His commands. Um, its really dumb, but doing that seems the most happy and fulfilling. Then why do we keep going back to putting the "important" (to me or world) stuff on the same level or ahead of God ? Hm, its crazy, I can't explain it and I'm flabberghasted by it cause I can't make sense of it.
Why do we do it? Hm, good point Mr. Nance, to know and do are 2 dif things. Hm, more to remember and work on. "Important" is not important, meaningful maybe, but not truly "can't live life if I don't get this, do this, etc.)

-FIN-

Please God, I beg for well, what's the way, " Your will, my hands." Heal us and help us to forgive and let go of evil that we do and is done to us. Love and keep the faith.

What is going on God? Why is my heart continually tormented? I wake up and BANG, it hurts? Is there any answer? I long for her still! I'm tryin to relax and live and stuff. But dang it, I can't even go a 1/2 hour without her running through my mind; I know there are things that I could have done different, never is there perfection, but God, what does it all mean? Am I supposed to be doing something now? Why does it keep um, removing the breath from me? Am I not supposed to forget? Am I supposed to be doing something else? I have no idea! I hate not hearing from her, only reading the wrongs I have done and none of the good. God, it is loneliness, no other person fits that area. You put it out yourself, one person, unless adultery and Your definition, not the twisting, everchanging definition of the world or wolves in sheeps clothing. Dang it, I pray to hear from her yet it tears at me because then what? Do something God , please!
I try and try, something is missing. Please be with her and whatever it means of the "space" wanted. I long but can You take it away or just I dunno, make it stop hurting daily? Please, I'm tryin and failing at all this.
I read, I pray like crazy, but still mess up. What do You want with this wretched creature?
Where am I supposed to go? Which way is toward the goal and not down some other path? The stuff that keeps hitting the heart about her, will it become clear why it is still going? Am my doing something else wrong? Is this loneliness, even surrounded by people, is there a meaning to it? Why can't I get another chance, it isn't like I never admitted I was gonna keep messing up; are not all sinners who fall short? Is that not why we needed salvation..... We keep messing up, can't keep commands all the time?
Please God, I beg for a miracle, I have no idea what, but something. I know what I want, but I can't trust it to be right. Jeremiah was right in saying, that the heart is deceitful above all things, or proverbs where it speaks of trusting You and leaning not on one's own understanding.
I'm a speck of dust in comparison to the least of Your wisdom. Please, return in force, delight in You. Remove the sins and the memory of them, heal our hearts and push us to forgive and learn from the evils and hold onto the good. Please take this loneliness away. I have no idea what to do, help me to close my eyes and please let hold onto the hem of your clothes, for I am nothing, and do not deserve anything , yet I pray it is not too late for my soul. Your will, my messed up hands, Please. Be with her and be our foundation, not mixed with the impurities of our understanding or desires.
And if it may please you, use me to get the guy to come to church with me, he asks for it and maybe You can get his family too, cause he, they need Your guidance.

I know I'm outta my mind, please God replace that mind. Be with the missions.
Thanks for allowing me to write, I pray it helps someone, Oh God I beg for another chance!

and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.

1 Corinthians 2:14

The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness,

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

to the hands of the living God.

[ H e b r e w s 1 0 : 3 0 - 3 1

F o r w e k n o w h i m w h o s a i d , I t i s m i n e t o a v e n g e ;

[ I w i l l r e p a y , a n d a g a i n , T h e L o r d w i l l j u d g e h i s p e o p l e . I t i s a

[ d r e a d f u l t h i n g t o f a l l i n

Evening of 25SEP2011- of "morning and evening"

Hm, was gonna put the morning one out, but something happened and copied the evening. Think there was a reason, hope it make sense. Fits into todays um, "under" point of class today. Seems too real. Way to close to home and mind. Too many people seem to be going this way, I have been included, trying not to and learn to, but yikes.

"Who of God is made unto us wisdom."

1 Corinthians 1:30Man's intellect seeks after rest, and by nature seeks it apart from the Lord Jesus Christ. Men of education are apt, even when converted, to look upon the simplicities of the cross of Christ with an eye too little reverent and loving. They are snared in the old net in which the Grecians were taken, and have a hankering to mix philosophy with revelation. The temptation with a man of refined thought and high education is to depart from the simple truth of Christ crucified, and to invent, as the term is, a more intellectual doctrine. This led the early Christian churches into Gnosticism, and bewitched them with all sorts of heresies. This is the root of Neology, and the other fine things which in days gone by were so fashionable in Germany, and are now so ensnaring to certain classes of divines. Whoever you are, good reader, and whatever your education may be, if you be the Lord's, be assured you will find no rest in philosophizing divinity. You may receive this dogma of one great thinker, or that dream of another profound reasoner, but what the chaff is to the wheat, that will these be to the pure word of God. All that reason, when best guided, can find out is but the A B C of truth, and even that lacks certainty, while in Christ Jesus there is treasured up all the fulness of wisdom and knowledge. All attempts on the part of Christians to be content with systems such as Unitarian and Broad-church thinkers would approve of, must fail; true heirs of heaven must come back to the grandly simple reality which makes the ploughboy's eye flash with joy, and gladens the pious pauper's heart--"Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners." Jesus satisfies the most elevated intellect when he is believingly received, but apart from him the mind of the regenerate discovers no rest. "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge." "A good understanding have all they that do his commandments."

hm, as the world turns.....

Hm, so there I was, asking for help from a guy and what came with the help? Lots of criticism and sarcasm. Was the advice good? Sure, but at what price? Is that really how I am? Ask for something of me and then it comes with "accessories" aka more than asked for?

"Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to get angry" in James. So I'm slower to get angry, but not frustrated. I'm calmer yet my tongue has been quick still to retort, feels like each word spoken is a challenge.

There is a difference between listening and doing. I listen to people but I don't do what they say. I'll hear what they say, but to listen have to take it deeper in. What God is the issue? Everyone has their idea of what is best for themselves but who truly knows ? How many times will we run down the same path? Why is it so hard to just listen to You?

Randomness, it feels like organized chaos. Yes it makes no sense. I just want I guess, not so much freedom, just um, a real answer.

How is it I still can't go an hour without her on my mind? That I long desperately to talk to her and so forth? What the heck is the answer?! Will You ever let me know God? Why do I care but can't do a dang thing about it?
I just want another hundred chances cause I'm already convinced I'm gonna mess up a lot. Like always. We all do. Please God, do something in this regard, its making me loopy.

Those who base it on themselves know even less.

Who is it that is righteous of their own right? Or who is wise in their own minds? Men know now wisdom from themselves; those who claim it do not have it....

benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may

arg, again and again.....

Again I wake, and I freak out. Suddenly I realize or remember I'm sleeping on a couch. I can't help but just break down. I have to get it into my mind, there is no choice but to pray and cry. Alone, in the dark, scared of living alone and in the darkness of this world. Why God? Is there any hope. Loneliness overtakes me as I cry and beg,beg for something, someone. People are nice but there is just something missing. God, why does it seem like not good enough, not filled ? How did it end up this way? Will I fail hard today again? I'm so afraid and so alone, I got no turn but to you. The world says, replace just forget, but I can't . Something has to be the point, others forget so easily, but I try and can't. This heart still longs for her. God fill me up with something, I'm freaking out, and today will be crazy at work. God please, return to me your love for you, fill me up with You and if the forementioned stuff can be dulled, if there can be a miracle, please. Alone in a way I didn't realize could be, I beg for some miracle!

Evening - 18SEP2011

What is trust without borders? What is following blindly vs following with full trust? Do we exam ourselves to see if we are following truth fully with full confidence in Jesus or is it really ourselves with "religous" back up aka comes from our own wants and feelings and emotions..... Our desires can destroy us.....

John 10:27
27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:

We should follow our Lord as unhesitatingly as sheep follow their shepherd, for he has a right to lead us wherever he pleases. We are not our own, we are bought with a price--let us recognize the rights of the redeeming blood. The soldier follows his captain, the servant obeys his master, much more must we follow our Redeemer, to whom we are a purchased possession. We are not true to our profession of being Christians, if we question the bidding of our Leader and Commander. Submission is our duty, cavilling is our folly. Often might our Lord say to us as to Peter, "What is that to thee? Follow thou me." Wherever Jesus may lead us, he goes before us. If we know not where we go, we know with whom we go. With such a companion, who will dread the perils of the road? The journey may be long, but his everlasting arms will carry us to the end. The presence of Jesus is the assurance of eternal salvation, because he lives, we shall live also. We should follow Christ in simplicity and faith, because the paths in which he leads us all end in glory and immortality. It is true they may not be smooth paths--they may be covered with sharp flinty trials, but they lead to the "city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God." "All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth unto such as keep his covenant." Let us put full trust in our Leader, since we know that, come prosperity or adversity, sickness or health, popularity or contempt, his purpose shall be worked out, and that purpose shall be pure, unmingled good to every heir of mercy. We shall find it sweet to go up the bleak side of the hill with Christ; and when rain and snow blow into our faces, his dear love will make us far more blest than those who sit at home and warm their hands at the world's fire. To the top of Amana, to the dens of lions, or to the hills of leopards, we will follow our Beloved. Precious Jesus, draw us, and we will run after thee.

Ephesians 5:1

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children

-what is the example? Is it vengeance, jealousy, anger, hate? He has all those traits, He has said He is a jealous God (Deuteronomy 4:24 ) anger too (Psalm 7:2) Vengeance (Hebrews 10:30) and hates (Romans 9:13) .

Nope. The only thing of these is hate, to hate evil. Other than that, it is all about Love, mercy, and giving of oneself. Saving, caring, bearing with us, and sticking with that. Hm, so example to follow is servanthood, out of caring not out of only command. The command is step one, then learning to love the command. How that would save so much among people if it were so. The example of the Most High then, is totally opposite of what we want it to be.

Seems I still come off too strong, all have bad things to em, I'm no more perfect or clean than a robber stealing from a manure plant. Just that all have sinned and fall short....Romans 3:23
23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

And also Romans 3:27
27 Where is boasting then? It is excluded. By what law? of works? Nay: but by the law of faith.
So we all need help, there is too much war between people, arg, it isn't a war from you to me, its a war of good vs ba, it is bigger than that. That is what allows us to persevere, its bigger than us and we each need each other; not to fight and hate.... Others have and go through more than what has hurt us, anyways, I dunno. Maybe I'm outta my mind, Dan. Maybe missing the point.

Evening-16SEP2011

"You hurt me" You are the doing this wrong" "you need to do this" - so many times we blame everyone else, and put ourself in the "victim" zone. So, I'm the problem, I'm the sinner, I'm the demon. Throw stones at me and blame me..... Before or while you are throwing stones, remember this.....John 8:7
7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. ....John 8:9
9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

Anyhow, why oh man, why? Along with this writing I read today....

!

Evening
"Am I a sea, or a whale, that thou settest a watch over me?"

Job 7:12This was a strange question for Job to ask of the Lord. He felt himself to be too insignificant to be so strictly watched and chastened, and he hoped that he was not so unruly as to need to be so restrained. The enquiry was natural from one surrounded with such insupportable miseries, but after all, it is capable of a very humbling answer. It is true man is not the sea, but he is even more troublesome and unruly. The sea obediently respects its boundary, and though it be but a belt of sand, it does not overleap the limit. Mighty as it is, it hears the divine hitherto, and when most raging with tempest it respects the word; but self-willed man defies heaven and oppresses earth, neither is there any end to this rebellious rage. The sea, obedient to the moon, ebbs and flows with ceaseless regularity, and thus renders an active as well as a passive obedience; but man, restless beyond his sphere, sleeps within the lines of duty, indolent where he should be active. He will neither come nor go at the divine command, but sullenly prefers to do what he should not, and to leave undone that which is required of him. Every drop in the ocean, every beaded bubble, and every yeasty foam-flake, every shell and pebble, feel the power of law, and yield or move at once. O that our nature were but one thousandth part as much conformed to the will of God! We call the sea fickle and false, but how constant it is! Since our fathers' days, and the old time before them, the sea is where it was, beating on the same cliffs to the same tune; we know where to find it, it forsakes not its bed, and changes not in its ceaseless boom; but where is man-vain, fickle man? Can the wise man guess by what folly he will next be seduced from his obedience? We need more watching than the billowy sea, and are far more rebellious. Lord, rule us for thine own glory. Amen.

1 John 4:16

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

- Winston Churchill

- lies spread like wild fire. Truth takes its sweet time.

"Prayer is a confession of own's own unworthiness and weakness."
-Mahatma Gandhi
-Seems I should be constantly praying then, cause I apparently am weaker than a sheet of paper and of less worth than a penny; isn't that what everyone is saying? Guess I'm worth slime.


Benjamin Disraeli : "Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret."
-you can say that again!

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it” - Charles R. Swindoll

- need to learn to react better. Sorta like "glass is half empty or half full" , one can have everything but see it as not ahaving this or that; or have less than others yet be happier than a kid in a candy store.

Albert Camus : "An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself."

-Have to start at watching, then doing something about it, out of the heart comes all types of stuff; the good, bad, and ugly. Have to be working on watching mind, or turn into/ become an uncontrolled nightmare.

1 Peter 3:8

[Suffering for Doing Good] Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

- yikes, burns.

morning - from Morning and Evening 12SEP

God wants us, all of us. None can compare and we do the same, if you create something you take pride in it and want to call it your own, want the pet to love you, the spouse to love you, the son/daughter to love you. So when something happens we get jealous.

Now for the Morning -

"God is jealous."

Nahum 1:2Your Lord is very jealous of your love, O believer. Did he choose you? He cannot bear that you should choose another. Did he buy you with his own blood? He cannot endure that you should think that you are your own, or that you belong to this world. He loved you with such a love that he would not stop in heaven without you; he would sooner die than you should perish, and he cannot endure that anything should stand between your heart's love and himself. He is very jealous of your trust. He will not permit you to trust in an arm of flesh. He cannot bear that you should hew out broken cisterns, when the overflowing fountain is always free to you. When we lean upon him, he is glad, but when we transfer our dependence to another, when we rely upon our own wisdom, or the wisdom of a friend--worst of all, when we trust in any works of our own, he is displeased, and will chasten us that he may bring us to himself. He is also very jealous of our company. There should be no one with whom we converse so much as with Jesus. To abide in him only, this is true love; but to commune with the world, to find sufficient solace in our carnal comforts, to prefer even the society of our fellow Christians to secret intercourse with him, this is grievous to our jealous Lord. He would fain have us abide in him, and enjoy constant fellowship with himself; and many of the trials which he sends us are for the purpose of weaning our hearts from the creature, and fixing them more closely upon himself. Let this jealousy which would keep us near to Christ be also a comfort to us, for if he loves us so much as to care thus about our love we may be sure that he will suffer nothing to harm us, and will protect us from all our enemies. Oh that we may have grace this day to keep our hearts in sacred chastity for our Beloved alone, with sacred jealousy shutting our eyes to all the fascinations of the world!

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.
- Helen Keller

-this woman overcame a lot, maybe she knows a little about what she says.
:)

Johann von Goethe : "All intelligent thoughts have already been thought; what is necessary is only to try to think them again."

-Eccl. 3 again

hm.....Help?

Psalm 121:1-2

A song of ascents. I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. 

So, where does this come into play for you, Dan?  Hm, are you looking up? Should you be listened too?

One month ago one of the people at church asked you “ Hi, are you a visitor?”  Tonight, the same person asked me again “ Hi, are you a visitor?” HAHAHAHAHA! This is not a good happy laugh, was sorta funny, since I knew the person’s name , yet sad that they had to ask that. How can you call yourself one of the fold if you do not make yourself known to them? I’m not a big people person, crowds are not my thing and even less so, I’m more of a one on one person.

How does this comply into the verse? Does God know you are there? Do you only go to Him when you are down or need something? Do you really go to Him, or is your mind made up and you are just checking the box?  David messed up many times, yet each time he went back to God. Not in good or bad only, in all things. When he was doing well, happy, sad, poor, angry, confused. Surely that is the heart of one God helps. What is in your heart, is it a daily song in good, bad, happy, sad, mad, depressed, lonely? Or is it a heart of “help me God, cause I messed up trying to do my own thing and now I’m in deep and You’re my last resort, and I’m not really repentant, just got caught this time.” ?

Yeah, work was kicking my bum, was stuck out on days and yada yada…..(excuses excuses) , you have walked miles for no reason, but since someone couldn’t lend you their vehicle, now it is too “far” to walk? No, your heart was / is in the wrong, your desire is not for God, save when you get caught. Truly you used to love Him and delight in the Word. You must learn again. You must remember, you must put your face on the ground. Humanity is junk, wisdom, education, power, money, many friends, are nothing without God as the head. Your loneliness, even surrounded by people, is an object of ones own making. God is all we need. I know Dan, there is that part in you that is empty with her gone, and even God said “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Gen. 2:18). Yeah, that part is empty, but will you allow it to eat away at your soul or will you let God deal with it? Dan, you are an idiot. No, this is not to degrade you, but you are a dunce. Since when did you ever fix it at all? Even now, you think, how you could fix it yourself. Humans are incapable of fixing themselves without God.

Oh, God, it HURTS DAILY! Please, take it and do what You will! Lighten the hurt for both, become the one true one in both of us! I have so much to learn and relearn! Where to start? Dan, Dan, look up, look up…… I’m helpless. No more alone please, God. What did Jesus say,  (Matthew 26) ³⁹ Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”…..  ⁴² He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

God, You aren’t asking me to do what He did, but God, like always, He had the right way….please, if there is some other way than this….arg, in my heart I keep saying I can be better, or do better….but You know that it would be a loss in the end, God I need YOU, Your will be done, please, lead me down the road, but I know my way of doing things, but no matter what, Your way be done.

Please any possible way….. I got ideas…… no, Your way, Your will….. it hurts….. Your way, Your will…… be with all…… Your way, Your will…..

The real secret of patience is to find something to do in the meantime.
- E.M. Forester

-Matt. 28:18-20
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” - Winston Churchill

- Eccl. 3

Alexander Pope : "Whoever thinks a faultless piece to see. Thinks what never was, nor is, nor ever shall be."

- None are perfect, it can either destroy us or give us something to work for. Love trumps it.
1 Cor. 13

from Morning and Evening 07SEPT

"And when they could not come nigh unto him for the press, they uncovered the roof where he was: and when they had broken it up, they let down the bed wherein the sick of the palsy lay."

Mark 2:4Faith is full of inventions. The house was full, a crowd blocked up the door, but faith found a way of getting at the Lord and placing the palsied man before him. If we cannot get sinners where Jesus is by ordinary methods we must use extraordinary ones. It seems, according to Luke 5:19, that a tiling had to be removed, which would make dust and cause a measure of danger to those below, but where the case is very urgent we must not mind running some risks and shocking some proprieties. Jesus was there to heal, and therefore fall what might, faith ventured all so that her poor paralysed charge might have his sins forgiven. O that we had more daring faith among us! Cannot we, dear reader, seek it this morning for ourselves and for our fellow-workers, and will we not try today to perform some gallant act for the love of souls and the glory of the Lord.

The world is constantly inventing; genius serves all the purposes of human desire: cannot faith invent too, and reach by some new means the outcasts who lie perishing around us? It was the presence of Jesus which excited victorious courage in the four bearers of the palsied man: is not the Lord among us now? Have we seen his face for ourselves this morning? Have we felt his healing power in our own souls? If so, then through door, through window, or through roof, let us, breaking through all impediments, labour to bring poor souls to Jesus. All means are good and decorous when faith and love are truly set on winning souls. If hunger for bread can break through stone walls, surely hunger for souls is not to be hindered in its efforts. O Lord, make us quick to suggest methods of reaching thy poor sin-sick ones, and bold to carry them out at all hazards

“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.” - Seneca

Bad administration, to be sure, can destroy good policy; but good administration can never save bad policy.
- Adlai E. Stevenson

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
- Winston Churchill

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

- Mark Twain

Hm, or in other words, if you don't use what you have, it is the same as one who doesn't have it ?


“The truth is not for all men, but only for those who seek it.” - Ayn Rand

-truth is still truth, only truth, a dilution of the truth is not truth, for truth stands still. Truth must be sought with as little to know expectation of what one wants it to be; in order to not dilute truth-


I dunno man,you might be out of your mind with this.

Randomness..... Cassius, such a cool name. Reminds me or a roman warrior or more evidently, Cassius Clay aka ali , perhaps the best boxer in history. Cassius, have to find out what it means. Maybe good, just sounds cool. Congrats to them on the new baby.

John 14:23

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them

-Do you Love Him? Is there even room or is it filled with another love?-

where are You?

Are you listening God?! I'm a wretched fool! I'm wrong, I'm not perfect, I need You! Return to me the joy of the Word! Return to me the random prayers in the day where it became conversations to you! Return to me the Love of everything you that was there from youth! Return to me the belief that over is never over! You said that with You all things are possible! Make me believe that! Please! That you can make love grow again between us! That what drove 2 together may sprout again! I'm not wishing for another, get back that one! Return to the top, keep back the anger, the guilt, the pride, arrogance, self isolation, the lack of accepting or admitting wrong! I'm a lot of things, but I don't give up! That may be the only good thing or bad thing. I'm not giving up, I just can't keep it up at this rate, I haven't been keeping up. Help Me, Please! There has to be a reason you are saying no, but why can't I get her from my head?! Why can't this mind just breakdown and submit?! I don't know what else I have to give..... I just don't know..... I'm not looking for another, but other things keep trying to fill in the void. I tried talking to You today, no video games, no nothing, but I kept arguing to You. I want to argue, I want release of this pain, of this pride, to believe You haven't given up on me, that there is a chance. Without You there is no reason for life, if there is no You, no one or nothing will ever be "it". I feel so alone and afraid. I want her, but it will never worked right because I didn't want You enough, pedestals were wrong, so the whole thing comes crashing down. Let me have another chance, Please! I can do better, even at an inch at a time.....Please..... I'm dying here, help me..... I'm drowning, throw out a life preserver..... I'm weaker than it looks, carry me on a stretcher,give me direction.....nothing is impossible, reconcile and return! I know if it is You saying good bye, then release me from this worthless world, it holds no real pleasure, just more burdens.....Please God.....I got nothing, it doesn't matter money, power, education, people, nothing will be a real fulfillment.....just a chasing after the wind. Please God, not alone, not alone..... Please.....

chances chances, more chances

Ever since the beginning, I knew I needed chances. David needed chances, peter needed chances, Paul needed chances, so why did my chances run out? I said with you and with her, don't give up; I'm gonna mess up", just know I'm in it til the end, I won't give up but I'm gonna mess up .

So why did it all just stop? I didn't give up. I just don't know what to do. Come on God, give me chance, on all of it. I know I'm gonna mess up, but I won't give up! Please! Dang it! I'm tryin to understand. Gosh, I'm tryin but it seems hit the end of the line. Is that it? Even runners hit the wall, but they keep going, I'm tryin to run, and I'm hitting walls, please oh God, give me chances! I'm not lying, I'm admitting I'm gonna mess up and I do! Thought the tryin meant something. Come on, PlEASE! I need more chances with it all! Everything, people,her, what I'm supposed to do now. Dang it, are you listening? Does it mean anything?

men of the Bible

Before I put this up, this is a man I have read about a couple times. Maybe I should change mmy name to him, it seems many should because of what he did. This is not a good thing, as you well wiLl see, Dan. Arg, the things we do, the things we do not learn from; though the past speaks examples out to us. God forgive me.


Rehoboam, Roboam[Rēhōbō'am,Rōbō'am] -

freer of the people or

the people is enlarged.

The son of Solomon by Naamah, an Ammonitess (

1 Kings 11:43; 14:21).

At the revolt he was left with only two tribes.

The Man Who Scorned Good Advice
Although Rehoboam was the son of a wise father, he himself had a small mind. From the fifty references to this man, who scorned wise counsel, we can learn a great many facts. Although named as an ancestor of Christ (

Matt. 1:7), he was unworthy of such an honor for three reasons.

I. He was dominated by a false principle. Rehoboam entertained an erroneous idea of the relation between a sovereign and his subjects. He was obsessed with the false premise that the subjects existed for the sovereign and not the sovereign for the subjects. Daily surrounded by unscrupulous flatterers who fed his self-importance, Rehoboam came to accept the nonsensical fiction of "the divine right of kings," that led him to treat his subjects as mere puppets to be manipulated for the benefit of his reigning house.

Whether this outlook was the result of a perverse disposition or wrong training may be hard to decide. Rehoboam had been brought up under the autocratic rule of his father, Solomon, to whom

subjects were synonymous to

slaves. When the people appealed, it was more against Solomon than Rehoboam, who had not had the opportunity of proving his quality as a king. So the first appeal to Rehoboam was, "Thy father made our yoke grievous," and the son sought to copy the defect of his father. Lamentable failure, however, overtook this feeble son of an illustrious father.

II. He followed the wrong advice. Alexander Whyte introduces his homily on

Rehoboam with the sentence: "Just by one insolent and swaggering word, King Rehoboam lost for ever the ten tribes of Israel. And all Rehoboam's insane and suicidal history is written in our Bible for the admonition and instruction of all hot-blooded, ill-natured, and insolent-spoken men among ourselves."

What a different history of the Jews would have been written had Rehoboam not followed the advice of reckless counselors. When he went to Shechem, the rallying center of the northern tribes, to be formally crowned as king in succession to Solomon, the people were willing to accept Rehoboam on one condition, namely that he should lighten the burdens imposed upon them by Solomon. This reasonable request, which should have been acceded to without any hesitation, was met with the cautious reply: "Come again to me after three days." But Rehoboam lost a golden opportunity of healing the sores of fears and of preserving the unity of God's ancient people.

First of all, the king sought the advice of the old men who had been counselors of his father and whose ripe experience qualified them to guide Rehoboam. They urged the king to be kind and considerate. "Speak good words unto them, and they will be thy servants forever." But with his mind already made up, he rejected the counsel of the old men, and consulting the opinion of his young, rash companions who had always fed his vanity, he followed their advice and, assuming a haughty attitude, announced that he would add to the yoke of the people. "My father chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions."

The effect was instantaneous, and a long-suffering people, smarting for so long under a sense of wrong, refused to be cowed, like the brave Hungarian people, by empty boastings. Thus the slumbering embers of revolt burst into a flame, and the kingdom was rent in twain and Israel's greatness destroyed.

III. He failed to give God the first place. If Rehoboam had consulted the Supreme King of Nations before seeking the advice of old and young men, how beneficial the monarchy would have been. While at the first he posed as the defender of the faith of his fathers and maintained the Temple services with signal fidelity, he failed to render God an undivided homage. The last years of Solomon's brilliant reign were darkened by the recognition of heathen gods and their degrading cults which, along with the fact that Rehoboam was the son of a heathen woman, helped to explain his apostasy. So attempting the impossible, he sought to please God and worship idols at the same time. But said Rehoboam's perfect Descendant: "No man can serve two masters."

At first pious (

2 Chron. 12:1) Rehoboam fell into such iniquity that an Egyptian scourge came upon the king and the two tribes he ruled. Brief penitence stayed vengeance, but the rot had set in (

2 Chron. 12:5, 8). So we leave Rehoboam, who went astray in a threefold direction, ruining himself and the people he sought to govern. He lost the best part of his kingdom and reduced Israel as a whole to a subordinate rank among nations.

from todays "morning and evening" by charles spurgeon

As a Christian you have to live in the midst of an ungodly world, and it is of little use for you to cry "Woe is me." Jesus did not pray that you should be taken out of the world, and what he did not pray for, you need not desire. Better far in the Lord's strength to meet the difficulty, and glorify him in it. The enemy is ever on the watch to detect inconsistency in your conduct; be therefore very holy. Remember that the eyes of all are upon you, and that more is expected from you than from other men. Strive to give no occasion for blame. Let your goodness be the only fault they can discover in you. Like Daniel, compel them to say of you, "We shall not find any occasion against this Daniel, except we find it against him concerning the law of his God." Seek to be useful as well as consistent. Perhaps you think, "If I were in a more favourable position I might serve the Lord's cause, but I cannot do any good where I am"; but the worse the people are among whom you live, the more need have they of your exertions; if they be crooked, the more necessity that you should set them straight; and if they be perverse, the more need have you to turn their proud hearts to the truth. Where should the physician be but where there are many sick? Where is honour to be won by the soldier but in the hottest fire of the battle? And when weary of the strife and sin that meets you on every hand, consider that all the saints have endured the same trial. They were not carried on beds of down to heaven, and you must not expect to travel more easily than they. They had to hazard their lives unto the death in the high places of the field, and you will not be crowned till you also have endured hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. Therefore, "stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong.

now im scared and dumbfounded

Why should God listen to you ? Huh Dan? Why? Where is the humility and meekness? “ I did everything You asked….yada yada….” Everything? Did you somehow become a perfect being? Did you stand up for right 24/7? Not have selfish motives, not forsake everything? Did you give up the most important thing in your life for God? Did you ? Why expect God to do anything if you only ask for things and cry when it doesn’t happen? When you don’t hm, when you say you take the blame but do you actually take it? Or do you just say it and then , brood??

Are you not closest to the rich young ruler who did all the things the law required, did his duty, but when Jesus told him to give everything to the poor and follow, the rich ruler went away sad cause that was truly where the treasures of his heart lay?
Was it someone else’s fault you didn’t go to service for a month? Oh, yeah, cars break, unforeseen things happen, but truly, did you make an effort or use the excuse that you couldn’t borrow a car you knew was having troubles? Whose fault is it that you didn’t have or use Keith’s number? What are you, man? What do you excpect when you act like an opulent child? Yes, she left, yes you love her, and YES YOU MESSED UP! Does that make God any less real or right? Does that make anything less ? Who knows, maybe in the future it can come together again, maybe out of this greater things can happen? But brooding and cursing out to God, yelling at him and claiming things you have no claim to do, who cares, you gave a couple bucks to a guy, or helped someone do something? Were your motives to get praise and be “owed one” or was it out of selflessness?

How do you expect to grow if you stay stuck in the past? How do you expect to have any claim to anything if it all comes to whether You get something from it? Education, power, money, no debt, what is the meaning of that? NOTHING. They are all good things, money to pay for stuff and bills and share, education to help teach others, power, well, not too sure of that, mus be able to use for good, but very scary like money to have, it becomes your master. Careers, you know you could do so much more, but doesn’t it take from truth? Get lost in going up the chain, that you forget other things, like who you are stepping on, whether or not it is time? You know you can make people do what you want at times, you know it, but instead, do you do what they want? Become the servant? Wash feet instead of being washed? Do you openly and casually and without thought say something godly, rather than something moral? There is a difference.
Am I just using “Christian” as a word or a life? Is the inside of the cup clean as the outside? Have you read the Bible or just looked at the daily verses, and looked for ways to interpret it so you feel good about yourself?

Maybe you don’t know what to do next and haven’t done certain things because you really are a fraud and aren’t relying on truth, on God. Good things happen and bad things happen to everyone. Stop sitting there brooding about why this happened or that, or why this or that, stop harboring stuff, stop acting stupid. You have to now repent and ask forgiveness or at least apologize to those you have wronged recently. You can only repent for yourself and pray for others, the plank in your eye needs to be cut before looking at others specks and such. Yeah have to bite the bullet. Yeah your scared about if you'll get a reply and now waiting for bad to happen and bring you back down. Stop making decisions and then looking for ways to rationalize it. To be a Christian isn’t rational, the decisions are not “logical”. Yeah, did it hit you when your peer told you “you are a waste of talent”? A complement /insult in the finest sense … arg, Dan, is there any sense in going on with this train of thought. Think on that for a while…… May God give you forgiveness and yup forgiveness is enough.....

long written

I will do my best to never watch Harry Potter movies again. I cannot do it. I watched the last part of the movies. Not a moment went by when I did not think of her. It was not meant to be like this, WE were / should be watching it together, crying at the death of those in it, and laughing at the little jokes like the appearance of Cornish pixies. Talking about how it was made and the stuff on getting it when it comes out and having a marathon. That was you and I.
No more will I watch them. How the pain of something that to others seems so little is so stabbingly painful. How God can You put up with us, when You see those who fall away and never come back? Those who in early years, followed, those who had the seed planted, only to have it be uprooted by the worries of life or to change the Truth into a lie?! How do You do it?! You did nothing wrong! How do you do it? I have done wrong and do it still and I’m crying and in pain. How do You do it?! My God, how I long for her. I don’t give a darn nickel about what the world’s rules are. People can think I’m crazy and whatever. You know what You say , God, just cause we change it to what we want doesn’t change it at all. …………………………

a moment from another

His Name Is ...

 (click here to hear this "Moment") In a Bible class one Sunday morning, the teacher was using a then popular TV show to help make his point. The show was Walker Texas Ranger.I don’t remember the exact words he used but it was something like, “That Walker guy on TV.” Very clearly, I remember what happened next.A little white haired old lady calmly raised her hand and stood. Leaning across the table and looking the teacher squarely in the eyes she said, “His name is Cordell!”I am sure given the opportunity she could have told us all about Cordell Walker, the Texas Ranger.Most of us in fact know all there is to know about our favorite TV characters and shows, often scheduling our lives around each new episode.Don’t even get me started on how we treat our favorite sports teams and players.I’d just be curious to know though, how many of us are ready to stand and set the record straight saying, “His name is Jesus!”I'm Jeff Phillips and this has been aniServeHim moment.

So there I was, studying, and what do I see? That God does whatever He wants to do. To some mercy, others punishment, others riches and others pain.

Look at David, he comitted adultery And murder, instead of killing him, God took away his child. Yet Achan kept some spoils and he and all he had , sons, daughters, oxen, were destroyed.

Or Job, he didn't do nothing so far but was God-fearing and he was just tossed out there by God like a rag doll to have everything taken from him just as a test.

Even the new Testament Rom. 9:15-18 talks of God having mercy on whoever He decides and compassion and hardened heart on whoever He decides.

So what is the point in trying if God will do whatever? Where is the righteousness if all it is on a whim?

Is it a sign of God's pleasure when good is happening or bad ? Did you bring this on yourself or God? Is there a purpose?

What is Your point for me God? What the heck do You want from me? Do You even care anymore? I can get kajillion dollars, have the highest education and all that stuff, but if You don't care then what use was it? All the friends in the world are meaningless if You don't care or want me. Prove it then. What else do I have to do?

Character is made by what you stand for; reputation, by what you fall for.
- Robert Quillen

Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least.

war within

Well, you heard from the WomH.dang loans, everyone wants money. *sigh*
You didn't expect the second msg, but were glad happy to get it. Dunno if I did the right thing in answering, just glad she is ok and hoping the BA chasing is successful. Glad to have news of being ok.
Dang it, what am I supposed to do, Dan? Sent something back, but you wanted to ask so many q's on what the BA is in, if you can help in anyway,the heart's longing and missing, more in depth on new kid, so much q's. Hope the answer was received rightly.

I couldn't do it, I won't try and force it out. I won't push it. Is it right? I pray so, cause it took a lot not to make it a ton of pages. I want to talk with her so bad but, I won't force it. What I want doesn't matter.

What do you want from me God? Don't I try and do good? Don't I work at stuff? What do You want? All I want is , well You know what I ask ; what do You want from me?! Isn't it all a chasing after the wind if its not what You want? So what is it You want? Why? Why does it feel like its just a temporary high, knowledge, work, doing things?

I feel like such an idiot. Why can't I figure out what is what?
I wanted to go with the guys this weekend, florida on a long wkend; fishing, busch gardens, but I couldn't. Didn't I make a right choice? They would be drinking and womanizing and just trash talk; are we not supposed to stay away from that if we can? Then why staying away do I feel like an idiot? Like I should have gone? No, cost too much monetarily and mentally.
What is Your answer God? What do You want from me? You know what I ask,what I want, is that so difficult for You? Please.....

When you share your self with others,life begins to find its meaning,But the time you touch the heart of others is the moment you truly start living.
- Anonymous

Character is made by what you stand for; reputation, by what you fall for.

- Robert Quillen

Joseph Addison : "The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for."