What can I say? Feels like some of my fear is gone, yet is it too late? Only God knows. I want a family, well actually just want a family with her, but it does not seem to be. Went on vacation from being back from overseas and I got called " Uncle Dan/Danny" by nieces and nephews and those who have children who I have know many years. Well it was all good and dandy, I truly am honored by it, yet in my heart it longs for one or more of my own children, to be called, Dad. Perhaps with my Granpas death it was also instilled how much one can affect another's life, and how that goes down the line. My Dad, for one,from the lessons and regrets with his own dad, well it affected numerous lives. Also, the woman I love, her brother-in-law and sister adopted and fostered kids, and the impact it has, well, still to be seen but what ia can say is something along the lines of "love is colorblind" and that is how they treat all the kids "blood" or not. I must remember to tell the sister how I respect that and admire that.
But where was I going? Well Dan, you were saying how you wanted your own kid or more. No not my own, OUR own, for I can't do it on my own and I would not want to do as such. I was always scared of how i would be, see fear is a killer, what could be and what is real are two different things. I don't fear that anymore as much as I do remember how love destroys all wrongs.....mistakes are made, but even still, love destroys that.....it destroyed the barrier between God and me, so how can I say that it can't overcome the mistakes and remorse/regrets that I have and will make? That's what happens as a parent, they make mistakes, as a partner, husband , wife, brother, sister, friend, etc. Love removes that fear, and in time or sometimes quick or slow, removes/ allows for forgiveness and to look at the positive.
Yeah, I'm veering off course.
Let's see, God can make miracles, I pray for one. Love conquers even the worst of things. I want to be a Dad. I want to be better.
God, I just don't know what to do. I'm finally not as afraid but it seems to late. Why won't you do a miracle, another chance out of the kajillion I need. Please. Not for this reason or that, but just cause Your love is boundless and mercy overflowing. Heal and guide and strengthen her. The families also. Help me conquer this doubleness, this uncertainty, this confusion, this sin that wars within me. I will always fail if it is apart from you and um, some what out of context from David " how the mighty have fallen" , yes fallen from your hand from the desires of our sinfulness. be with her and guide and protect. Your will be done and we make it ours and not what we want. Your Word is true and help to just rely on it over my own "what I want it to say". Stand up for you and not for me. thank You for your love and patience and well, just putting up with us. Peter told the crowd to "Save yourselves from this crooked generation.", it hasn't changed, it still is crooked. Help us to fight that. It seems so hard.
Good night.....
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