What is it ?

To many, Christianity is a matter of going to a church place, going home, talking about their idea of god, and doing nice stuff. When I say to many, I don't keep myself out of that thought. I wish I was a child again, Dan the kid was a wiser person than Dan the not kid. 
All this time, I was looking for "the answers" . Why this happened why that, blah blah blah. I looked for the answers like ecclesiastes writer, he did all this stuff, looking for joy and fulfillment in all stuff. I've drank til I can't remember anything, tried to give my life to work, tried to it in, tried to just be whatever. What came of it? Nothing. Went to church service, did what they asked, got some involvement. Hide as I might, it actually gave me more fulfillment than all that stuff. The most joy I received was the secretary of the congregation came up to me after I did closing prayer and she said I did the most incredible prayers. Only problem is, every time I prayed I don't remember where any of it comes from, so I can't take it as me praying. 
That's the answer, it's not me, every time I try my own way or look for my answer, I can rationalize it, but it digs a hole deeper. I'm so frustrated god isn't saying or doing what I want, that if a billboard with "This is God, Dan, this is my message for you....."and it fell right in front of me, and it burned into my retinas, it still doesn't connect. 

Christianity isn't what is seen, it's what isn't. During the good, the light for this purpose, how easy is it to praise god or be good people? In the dark is where it's at. In the dark we have 2 choices, relying on self, human, or on God. 
The greatest men/women of the bible, Ruth, David,  Job, Samson, Joshua, Moses, Esther, etc....they were not measured by what they did, David was a mighty warrior, Esther was a queen, Samson the strongest man, no, they were measured by when the dark came, what they did. Samson, blind, strength gone, gave himself up to God more fully than ever and he was used to bring the house down.....(yes a pun), Esther, a queen, could have just ignored Hamaan and the edict, gave herself over to God in a way from submission and a whole people were saved through her. 
That is christian. Jesus wasn't the "savior" because he just popped up, but when the dark came, he gave himself in all things to whatever God wanted, even though he even asked if there was another way.....But "not my will but Yours be done."
I have failed that, in all studies, debating and such, I learned lots of stuff. Instead of realizing or admitting it never was my own, like many, I took credit for it.  It is never my own, I don't know how to pray, I don't even know where the words come from. 
God never failed me, I failed him. I turned my back on him, and thereby cascading  of failure, negativity, hate, sin, warped my view. 
I learned that everyone will fail you, expect the most but hold them self to a lower standard. Interpretation is a crutch and warps the person,not the truth. 
Anyone can have an outward show of faith, but no one knows the inside. 

As I've been shown and told a kajillion times, God doesn't have to say something, all He wants is for us to love Him with everything, to trust implicitly in every circumstance. Everyday. What happened yesterday is gone, today is here. Just cause messed up yesterday doesn't mean walking away from it is right, sometimes you have to get dirty and work through it, even if it isnt your fault.  Anyone can be "happy" but to be in truth, means that you won't be all the time.  

I dunno, my heart longs for her, my brain is drained, m y flesh is strong, my spirit is weak. I cannot save myself nor anyone else. If we think God has not watched over us, then we are stupid. I've been stupid. If we don't believe it, then we are idiots. Ive been an idiot. If we think we have the answers or any human, then we are fools . Fool in the highest right here. If we believe Christianity is about when we are in light times, then join the world, for it is a distortion of truth. 

Back to kid Dan. 

God watch over Andrea, every moment. I can say her name now, but it doesnt hurt any less. Im sorry, i wont forget what i have done on my end. True happiness and protection and strength i pray for her.Watch over momma, give her some more rest from fibromyalgia. Protect us, and destroy me. I know she's just a dog, but let riv take care of the poor dog. All I got I have laid before people, that was wrong. Help me lay it before you, that way nothing comes from me. I'm apologetic for this whole fiasco, I've been arrogant, pessimistic, and confused cause I want my answers. Sure I can be "happy" but inside I know it's not fulfilling. And it's a lie. I made that mistake a bit ago, and it's so appealing. I can't say sorry enough, is there forgiveness?