?????

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today.  Have you used one to say "thank you?"  ~William A. Ward

As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily.  The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.  ~Terri Guillemets

If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.  ~Frank A. Clark

Two kinds of gratitude:  The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give.  ~Edwin Arlington Robinson

The grateful person, being still the most severe exacter of himself, not only confesses, but proclaims, his debts.  ~Robert South

Psalm 86:5

You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.

/ o s e t h a t w e r e f o u g h t a n d w o n b e h i n d y o u r f o r e h e a d . - J a m e s J o y c e

/ Y o u r b a t t l e s i n s p i r e d m e - n o t t h e o b v i o u s m a t e r i a l b a t t l e s b u t t h

George Washington : "Undertake not what you cannot perform but be careful to keep your promise."

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Um, something

Ephesians 4:2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest - Joshua 1:9


He died not for men, but for each man. If each man had been the only man made, He would have done no less. C. S. Lewis

Quote

Mark Twain : "You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

- we have big imaginations, but we don't have focus?

Stephen Kaggwa : "Try and fail, but don't fail to try"
- even in failure one can find some solace in that we did something......?

James 4:10
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

I was scared

Well, make this easy as can be, talk to yourself. 

Well Dan, what's the big deal with that song? Is there something you aren't saying?  
Oh, maybe it's the way you have been both "light and dark" as UFO yu have two lives, one seen and another hidden. At first you seemed light, but inside the walls when no one sees you , you were dark. Behind closed doors, behind the thin veil of your eyes, you. Were dark. Coercive, manipulative, angry and selfish. That's just the tip of the iceberg. But people saw you and they said you were ok.  The woman you love stll, (thogh how the heck do you show it?)you hurt and were an idiot to, pushed and hurt family, just all around ...... Ignorant. Priorities warped by the distorted vision of what you thought. You idiot. That song is the truth, backsliding and back biting, we live this life. To some it is literally a way outside a home and one inside.. To others it is one way outside you self and another inside. We look for the way out the back door rather than dealing and then we rationalize it. I'm ashamed at how pin point that song is . Ashamed that I backslide and have been so.....2sided I guess is the word. It is shameful. 
Day by day I try to work at it, to be as blunt and even inside and out. Yet I will never be able to be such that way. Cause I , that will always be the issue, I is not one who is able. I.....is one who is scared and proud and hiding behind closed doors. I....need help, am not perfect, do not know everything nor does the world revolve around. 
Behind closed doors, seen by Omnipotence, One who wants to help, not condemn. (John 3:17)
The time has come to leave the closed doors, like the song says....:
Open up and reveal what's goin' on in the backroom (Uh oh)......
But the only one's you're cheatin' are just you and the Chief..........
When you gonna come out to play
When you gonna come out to stay
When you gonna come out to say
That you'll never turn the other way

Well, Dan, hope you made sense.....God help me, not to be that what I was, to not hide and be daily outside, transparent as glass. 
Be with her, family, and help me to figure out how the heck to not be so scared, to use whatever gifts and stuff You gave to not try and get by, but bring out others along for the ride!  Nice is not good enough and I'm not strong enough alone without You. No matter who I'm with or such, without You it's not strong enough...... Reconcile please us to You and each other.
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(NET) Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

(NET) Proverbs 9:10 The beginning of wisdom is to fear the LORD, and acknowledging the Holy One is understanding.

Behind closed doors-Pillar

Hm, there is so much to say......but not today..... Tomorrow. Today,this song suffices. Simple lyrics, but it has deep thoughts, will it mean anything? Hit me hard when I read this. Tomorrow. Today, may these words mean something more and deep. God be with her, with us all. May He reconcile us and bring us to understand His ways, the joy beyond belief.

The song :
"Behind Closed Doors"

Open up and reveal what's goin' on in the backroom (Uh oh)
I see you I never knew what it was you were goin' through
But I can relate I used to wear the same shoes
So quit livin' like a hypocrite and be real
Like an opposite of counterfeit
And you'll feel what it is you're really up against
Stop foolin' yourself not foolin' anyone else
I hope you're getting this

[Chorus]
You're not the same man you were before
Tell me what are you like behind closed doors
I can't take this anymore
To see these people slippin' out through the back door

So what's the point of even trying to hide
Cause everything you do is seen by omnipotent eyes
So come outside and leave behind
Don't be satisfied with the backslide we on the flipside
Sometimes it's so easy to cheat
But the only one's you're cheatin' are just you and the Chief
It ain't just a belief He'll be back like a thief
You better breathe get your things and leave
I know you will eventually

When you gonna come out to play
When you gonna come out to stay
When you gonna come out to say
That you'll never turn the other way
-------------------------------------------

Rambling

Another day, another day. This class stuff is crazy. Another test down, 13-15 more to go....sigh. Very sad, in regards to that..... There are people failing and they are nice people. One is pretty cool classmate, and they might kick him out of class. This happens, but it still makes one sad. I hate to see the sadness in people's eyes. 
Alas, there is nothing but pain in this world. If the goal to life is success here, it is futile; seems success is always one step ahead or always ine tier higher. Which way is up and which way is true? The questions are sometimes as hard as the answers. ...........yeah this is random. Just thoughts in general. Very scatter brained, my mind today is all over. Not in a bad way, just in meditation and wondering and such. God is good all the time, but I sure as heck am not.

Hm, emotion broke deep today, was sent a psalm and it broke me to tears and a deep well of emotion. This was the Psalm and hope it at least brings some deep, dang it , I can't even explain what, hope it brings a deep um, emotion to someone or just refreshing of the heart.
Peace be with all...... 

Psalm 63

1 O God, thou art my God; earnestly will I seek thee: My soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee, In a dry and weary land, where no water is.

2 So have I looked upon thee in the sanctuary, To see thy power and thy glory.

3 Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, My lips shall praise thee.

4 So will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name.

5 My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; And my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips;

6 When I remember thee upon my bed, And meditate on thee in the night- watches.

7 For thou hast been my help, And in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice.

8 My soul followeth hard after thee: Thy right hand upholdeth me.

9 But those that seek my soul, to destroy it, Shall go into the lower parts of the earth.

10 They shall be given over to the power of the sword: They shall be a portion for foxes.

11 But the king shall rejoice in God: Every one that sweareth by him shall glory; For the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped.

Turn frowns upside down with some lame jokes :) but they're clean

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped." 
-----------------------------

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
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On a more serious note :

Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and not thine own lips. - Prov. 27:2 

May the peace of God give life, laughter, and strength......



Still in the heart and mind she is God.....what's it mean? May today be great, and for once may I use it fully for You.

Laugh

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
-----------------------------------
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.--------

Laughter is beautiful.....hope it comes today for everyone

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Z - M y r n a L o y

Z L i f e , i s n o t a h a v i n g a n d a g e t t i n g , b u t a b e i n g a n d a b e c o m i n g .

L i f e m u s t g o o n . I f o r g e t j u s t w h y . - E d n a S t . V i n c e n t M i l l a y

Oooooh ooooh, Pick Me !

​Not sure where to start. Today I learned, that it doesn't matter who you are, you can always do better. Good on the outside doesn't mean good on the inside.
​Only once I can remember ever being so nervous for a class that I actually made myself sick. Ok, almost 2x now.....hehe. Almost.
Huge test, 75 questions, over a whole bunch of information. Thought I took my time, but still after looking back at the test, I realized I could have done better. 2 questions I knew the answer to and thought I had to have jotted down the answers right....nope picked another darn answer. I even remember the questions as I read them....almost 3 points lost. Always room for improvement.
 
​So frustrated with myself. At first it was because I got those questions mixed up and wrong. Sure, academically I can do better. Yet when it comes to doing better, that's not what I mean. I did not thank God I passed the test. In fact, it was only that mercy that passed me..... this is no lie, I have no idea nor did I have one, what the heck all the material was; even now I can't remember it all.
Somehow, I was given a passing score. Ok, so strike one. Not being grateful or giving thanks to whom it was due. (Eph. 5:20, Col. 3:17)
​Strike two, well, got a decent score, and you know what I did....lamented the missed questions enough that one of the classmates around me looked at me and asked,”you really are sad you got that score aren't you?” You doofus Dan! Really? People failed this test, and you are lamenting 2-3 points?! Bad example! Where is a heart to help people to look at their problems aka they are now ultra stressed and double worried of failing out class, or how this can be a tool to help other excel, instead of a “boo hoo me” junk? You know what God did? He took the guy in front of me and covered my sin, with a “nah, he's just being humble about his score.” and he believed it. (Phil. 4:8, Rom. 12:1-3)
​STRIIIIIIIKE three! Pride..... no, it probably wasn't as vivid as my darn lamenting selfish junk, but after seeing some other scores (yup people keep asking “How'd you do? What's your score/” ) I answered ever so slightly, “oh, I did ok.....(drag it out for emphasis) I got a _____. yes, I didn't get 100%  or nothing, but it was not by my own power that I even got  a passing score. It was by some mercy and love. When we start to take pride in ourselves and our supposed smarts, or what we think is our deserved or etc., it starts a path toward death. Death of humility, of mercy, of caring for another. ( 1Pet. 5:5)
By the way, when you think you are something, you find out you are not. One guy, kinda “out there” he says I helped him study, explain material to, and kaboom, he beat my score..... yeah, so how about that.....the student surpasses the teacher.....HAHAHAHAHA ! If that is not humbling and awesome, who knows what is. There is no right in what I did, but others don't need to make the same mistake.
 
When you think you got it, you realize maybe someone else has got you. Always do better. It may not be what one thinks it is.

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Praise to your name, God. You definitely got me passed that test. Yet I still failed You. My selfishness and lack of contentment brings shame to You. Even I that You covered me. If there was a time to fall on my face it is now. Forgive us fo rthis what we do. There is no “I DID THIS” there is only, You did this through me. Why do You put up with us? Why with me? Worthy we are not by our own devices. No, not in the slightest. Thank You for the humbling. As always, care for the family, for her, and her family.  I don't know the right paths, or maybe, more likely not there yet in faith. Dang it, a mustard seed seems so big sometimes. Guide us, to reconciliation with You. Also with each other if there is a way. Through the Way I ask this.

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.
- Thomas Fuller

Just lyrics

Disciple
Song: My Hell
Album: Scars Remain

It's not found in throwing roses on a grave 
Or in the cursed bottom of a bottled plague 
It wasn't in the torment that will never fade 
But I see the truth now 

This was my hell living without You here 
Even Heaven is hell if somehow You were not there 
If You were not there 

It wasn't in the flames that won't stop burning 
Or within a fire that is never quenched 
It wasn't in the brokenness of all my failings 
But I see the truth now 

Lord, I need to breathe You 
Drink You, dream You 
Nothing ever will compare 
Need to breathe You, drink You 
Dream You, need You
--------------------------------

"How helpless we are, like netted birds, when we are caught by desire!" - Belva Plain

James 2:17
17 Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.

POWER POWER POWER POWER.....YEAH!!!!!

What is power? Wrote about this before, but what is it? Teachers have a power, to pass or fail someone. Bosses have power to fire you or promote you.
That is a power. There is real power though, that lasts deeper and longer than these things. I've abused power given me. I've abused it to hurt the one I love, and those I work with. I've taken it as if it was my birthright and used it like a spoiled child. Thorough words and Atkins power has been misused. Am I ashamed? Is the sun hot? (that would be a heck yeah).

Words have power, sometimes it's in something as simple as a guy asking whether or not you thought it was worth buying something or not. Other times, it is used to manipulate, change, destroy, mislead, hurt, help, heal, guide, you. This is a deeper stronger power.
Why am I thinking this? I don't want power, I'm too scared I'm gonna mess up with it. I got scared recently cause this one guy I met in class, he was asking my thoughts on buying something and I barely know him. Advice on stuff. Or times I had power over peers or seniors health ..... Do people really understand how powerful and scary being told how an infection can truly hurt someone is?
It also means power is given, I've had people make fun of me and stuff, but it meant nothing cause I didn't let it have power over me...... At the same time, a couple words from someone I trusted or such, and I'm a wreck of a person.
I don't want that for anyone.
God help us. This is just random, but hopefully it makes sense, to be careful. Please don't make the same mistakes I have and do make.

Luke 22:6

Peace, love, smile, joy......

God in heaven there is nothing in this world worth hurting anyone. Why do we do it then? What's the point? I got no real answer, just a request. That we look not for power, but to serve. Iour hearts, that's the only way we can truly survive. That is the true equalizer of power. Dang it, I hope that came out right. I dunno, please give reconciliation somehow. Be with her, the family and this class. It's a lot of stuff and too easy to fall. By Your son's name.

Galatians 5:16
So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.

A title so it doesn't says"no title" :D

We make believe we are more than what we are. We make believe we deserve more than what get. Make believe isn't lost when we hit puberty or when we hit some age where we are "free". The. Ale believe we see every day, in the ones who say that they will never go away. It could be me, it could be you; it can anyone close to you.
Make believe will never leave untilk we live this way......to live is Christ and die is gain...... Everything else is make believe........
----------------------
I know who wrote this and the part at the end is scary. The "to live is Christ" part comes from Philippians 1:21 and is um, connected from, Matthew 16:25, Mark 8:35, Luke 9:24....where Jesus says " Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for me will save it."

The whole make believe, well, like a play, some fall into their characters, some are just playing their characters. Through it all, it is no more real than we want it to be. To one who says they love, what they believe is what love is to them. To one who blames another or has this definition of "God wants this (God says what He wants, we are not to put our words as His) for me" we believe it is even though it really isn't . We walk away from each other with the make belief that "this is what I had to do" . Usually any blame is put on others.
I don't want to write this next part, in fact I want to ignore this. No one has put more blame and misguided anger on others than myself. I'm not holy nor any of that. This next words are not my own, nor do they not apply to me.

John 8:7
7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

Romans 3:23-24
23 for all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God; 24 being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:

It is make believe when we glory in our thoughts of what "is right" or what " we think should happen"
I hope this makes sense and isn't taken out of context.
Hm, there is no "me" then, if there is, then that is the make believe......

God in heaven, if there is nothing more to this life, then protect her, this heart hasn't changed that it longs for her, be her family. Be with those of my blood, whether they see You or not. Be with those that are like blood, may we turn our hearts from us. Whether you do anything more we think is our definition of "good" to us, You gave us Your greatest gift already. We didn't deserve that. I'm sorry each day I stress You out. Have patience I beg, for I'm a doofus. May these hands bring me nothing, but You everything. As always I beg for what Jesus said about losing life for Him. Help us let go. In Jesus name.

Peace, love, a laugh and smile.......

Clean joke from : cleanjokes4u.com

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!" ...
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Peace,love, happiness and blessings in God.....always
Protections for her and our families, reconciliation of the heart, a smile and a laugh. I pray this day and each whether it's a "good or bad " day.

A r i s t o t l e : " M e l a n c h o l y m e n a r e o f a l l o t h e r s t h e m o s t w i t t y . "

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.
- William James

James 1:19
19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

James 1:20
20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. -------Man's anger NEVER works, it only destroys one and others,will you learn.....

Morning- from 11jan2012 by Charles Spurgeon

It's in the older king James style talk " thee and thy" but it is something that is relevant.

Morning

"These have no root."
Luke 8:13

My soul, examine thyself this morning by the light of this text. Thou hast received the word with joy; thy feelings have been stirred and a lively impression has been made; but, remember, that to receive the word in the ear is one thing, and to receive Jesus into thy very soul is quite another; superficial feeling is often joined to inward hardness of heart, and a lively impression of the word is not always a lasting one. In the parable, the seed in one case fell upon ground having a rocky bottom, covered over with a thin layer of earth; when the seed began to take root, its downward growth was hindered by the hard stone and therefore it spent its strength in pushing its green shoot aloft as high as it could, but having no inward moisture derived from root nourishment, it withered away. Is this my case? Have I been making a fair show in the flesh without having a corresponding inner life? Good growth takes place upwards and downwards at the same time. Am I rooted in sincere fidelity and love to Jesus? If my heart remains unsoftened and unfertilized by grace, the good seed may germinate for a season, but it must ultimately wither, for it cannot flourish on a rocky, unbroken, unsanctified heart. Let me dread a godliness as rapid in growth and as wanting in endurance as Jonah's gourd; let me count the cost of being a follower of Jesus, above all let me feel the energy of his Holy Spirit, and then I shall possess an abiding and enduring seed in my soul. If my mind remains as obdurate as it was by nature, the sun of trial will scorch, and my hard heart will help to cast the heat the more terribly upon the ill-covered seed, and my religion will soon die, and my despair will be terrible; therefore, O heavenly Sower, plough me first, and then cast the truth into me, and let me yield thee a bounteous harvest.

_ n a l l y o u d o ; f o r i t i s w r i t t e n : B e h o l y , b e c a u s e I a m h o l y .

_ 1 P e t e r 1 : 1 5 - 1 6
B u t j u s t a s h e w h o c a l l e d y o u i s h o l y , s o b e h o l y i

i g h *

i d n o t s a y s o . - D a v i d G a y s o n - - - - - - - a g r e e d , v e r y m u c h s o . . . . . * S

L o o k i n g b a c k , I h a v e t h i s r e g r e t , t h a t t o o o f t e n w h e n I l o v e d , I d

' H i m - A i d e n W i l s o n T o z e r - - - - - - i s i t ?

' Y o u c a n s e e G o d f r o m a n y w h e r e i f y o u r m i n d i s s e t t o l o v e a n d o b e y

What do you do........

  This was written not by me, I never could write beauty as this..... It has to help someone , sometime, so here it is, reason this thing exists.....may it help someone. Without further ado.....
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 Walk by Faith (by Jeremy Camp)
Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words you say
Every moment of every day

   I will walk by faith even when I cannot see
Because this broken road prepares your will for me

Help me to rid my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath you made me new
Your grace covers all I do

I will walk by faith even when I cannot see
Because this broken road prepares your will for me

Well I'm broken but I still see your face
Well You've spoken pouring your words of grace

I will walk by faith even when I cannot see
Because this broken road prepares your will for me


 
You may know that when he wrote “Walk by Faith,” Jeremy Camp was on his honeymoon. It was not a carefree vacation, nor a worry-free celebration of a new marriage. Jeremy's young bride, stricken with terminal cancer before their engagement, had weeks to live. Jeremy was angry, wounded, and desperate, grappling with the horror of becoming a widower at age twenty-three. He wrestled with God, begging for help, or answers. Something. Anything.

If you’ve ever read an interview with Jeremy or seen him in concert, you’ll know that the death of his first wife is a major part of his moving testimony. He shares openly about his struggles, grief and questioning. Through this dark time, however, he relied on God to get him through. He came to understand that he needed to trust God, to keep taking steps forward even when he couldn’t see the road ahead through the darkness.

God used Jeremy’s testimony to teach me something essential. The time had come for me to decide if I truly believed in God's promises or if I just pretended to. I needed to step out, even though I didn't know where He was leading me, because God was already at my destination, faithful to meet me exactly where I was.  It isn’t the song that changes our lives, is it? It’s the One who meets us where we are, and allows something like a song to be used to guide us.

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.
- Frank Howard Clark

I just can't do this. Shouldn't be doing this drive alone. I'm a horrid person. Bad son,bad brother, not a friend;just horrible.I alienated/drove away people by who I am. Then its too late by the time figure it out to change, cause the damage is done. Think doing the right thing, but it doesn't seem to work out; is it a test or a punishment? Which road is being traveled? What have I done and become? Is there any forgiveness?

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Dale Carnegie

Oscar Wilde : "To most of us the real life is the life we do not lead."

Mahatma Gandhi : "Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into."

What is it ?

To many, Christianity is a matter of going to a church place, going home, talking about their idea of god, and doing nice stuff. When I say to many, I don't keep myself out of that thought. I wish I was a child again, Dan the kid was a wiser person than Dan the not kid. 
All this time, I was looking for "the answers" . Why this happened why that, blah blah blah. I looked for the answers like ecclesiastes writer, he did all this stuff, looking for joy and fulfillment in all stuff. I've drank til I can't remember anything, tried to give my life to work, tried to it in, tried to just be whatever. What came of it? Nothing. Went to church service, did what they asked, got some involvement. Hide as I might, it actually gave me more fulfillment than all that stuff. The most joy I received was the secretary of the congregation came up to me after I did closing prayer and she said I did the most incredible prayers. Only problem is, every time I prayed I don't remember where any of it comes from, so I can't take it as me praying. 
That's the answer, it's not me, every time I try my own way or look for my answer, I can rationalize it, but it digs a hole deeper. I'm so frustrated god isn't saying or doing what I want, that if a billboard with "This is God, Dan, this is my message for you....."and it fell right in front of me, and it burned into my retinas, it still doesn't connect. 

Christianity isn't what is seen, it's what isn't. During the good, the light for this purpose, how easy is it to praise god or be good people? In the dark is where it's at. In the dark we have 2 choices, relying on self, human, or on God. 
The greatest men/women of the bible, Ruth, David,  Job, Samson, Joshua, Moses, Esther, etc....they were not measured by what they did, David was a mighty warrior, Esther was a queen, Samson the strongest man, no, they were measured by when the dark came, what they did. Samson, blind, strength gone, gave himself up to God more fully than ever and he was used to bring the house down.....(yes a pun), Esther, a queen, could have just ignored Hamaan and the edict, gave herself over to God in a way from submission and a whole people were saved through her. 
That is christian. Jesus wasn't the "savior" because he just popped up, but when the dark came, he gave himself in all things to whatever God wanted, even though he even asked if there was another way.....But "not my will but Yours be done."
I have failed that, in all studies, debating and such, I learned lots of stuff. Instead of realizing or admitting it never was my own, like many, I took credit for it.  It is never my own, I don't know how to pray, I don't even know where the words come from. 
God never failed me, I failed him. I turned my back on him, and thereby cascading  of failure, negativity, hate, sin, warped my view. 
I learned that everyone will fail you, expect the most but hold them self to a lower standard. Interpretation is a crutch and warps the person,not the truth. 
Anyone can have an outward show of faith, but no one knows the inside. 

As I've been shown and told a kajillion times, God doesn't have to say something, all He wants is for us to love Him with everything, to trust implicitly in every circumstance. Everyday. What happened yesterday is gone, today is here. Just cause messed up yesterday doesn't mean walking away from it is right, sometimes you have to get dirty and work through it, even if it isnt your fault.  Anyone can be "happy" but to be in truth, means that you won't be all the time.  

I dunno, my heart longs for her, my brain is drained, m y flesh is strong, my spirit is weak. I cannot save myself nor anyone else. If we think God has not watched over us, then we are stupid. I've been stupid. If we don't believe it, then we are idiots. Ive been an idiot. If we think we have the answers or any human, then we are fools . Fool in the highest right here. If we believe Christianity is about when we are in light times, then join the world, for it is a distortion of truth. 

Back to kid Dan. 

God watch over Andrea, every moment. I can say her name now, but it doesnt hurt any less. Im sorry, i wont forget what i have done on my end. True happiness and protection and strength i pray for her.Watch over momma, give her some more rest from fibromyalgia. Protect us, and destroy me. I know she's just a dog, but let riv take care of the poor dog. All I got I have laid before people, that was wrong. Help me lay it before you, that way nothing comes from me. I'm apologetic for this whole fiasco, I've been arrogant, pessimistic, and confused cause I want my answers. Sure I can be "happy" but inside I know it's not fulfilling. And it's a lie. I made that mistake a bit ago, and it's so appealing. I can't say sorry enough, is there forgiveness? 

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. C. S. Lewis

Where in the world is......

Where in the world is happiness? Is it in traveling, drugs, drinking, people, religion, what?

Can one learn happiness like Pavlov's dog experiment? Or is it innate and already decided and the adventure is finding it out?

What is the answer? I don't know it.

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Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek.

~ Dalai Lama

Appreciation is a wonderful thing; it makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.

~ Voltaire

Mental

Dang it! Andrea I miss you like crazy!  Every day that goes by and thoughts of you or memory or both  come. Dang nabbit, it overwhelms me and crushes the mind, what am I supposed to do? What can I do? Is there anything? Will this help anything at all? I dunno what to do bout this, man. 

Why?