All great struggles demand sacrifice.

Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.
----- C. S. Lewis  

Amigo

I don't believe in friends anymore. The word itself itself is all emotion : one who is attached to another by emotion or esteem ......a favored companion (Webster's Dictionary) 

Maybe it was real at one point, friends meant something, yet now it is meaningless.Just like the word love which is tossed around for anything. It is a symbiotic or parasitic thing. No one even can define what a friend qualifies, much less what it is. 
It is empty, vain. Nowhere have I seen a real friend. I have seen people get along and such, but when something happens one doesn't like, vroom...... Later gator I just don't wanna be your friend, companion, no more......

That is all, acquaintances or co-workers or companion. People I come in contact with. No such thing as friends anymore. None, there are none.

Ecclesiastes 1:2
2 Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. 

Empty, vain, worthless.

Where o where is justice? Is there such things as that or mercy or anything?

Alone, the fear life isn't dying, its being alone. So it is now, these people with fam, spouses, etc helping them out. None for me. Left out to dry.

Korn- alone I break

~*~ Alone I Break ~*~
Pick me up
been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it some how

I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this "crap" I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Shut me off
I am ready,
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be on my own

I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this "crap" I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
is there nothing more to come? (am I Gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take it's place?
Am I going to leave this race? (Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess god's up in this place?
what is it that I've become?
is there something more to come? (more to come)

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this "crap" I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man? [x2]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is left, what gives meaning? Where is what is important? I don't have the answers, what I thought were answers turned out to be a lesson in learning that we really are alone, in the dead of night, no one can truly save you from your own mind. No words nothing. It's too easy to think mommy or daddy or sister or brother or friend bob or something will. Nope, doesn't work like that. In the end alone.

You're supposed to be dead, Dan. Why are you helping people? No more helping them, no more designated driver, no helping. People want and want, but what do they give back? Seemingly nothing. Do they care what they do? Or do we have a sense of entitlement to what we want? "I deserve...I want, I need, I I I I I "
It's tiring, I'm broke, why? Cause helped someone. No more nice guy, it hasn't gotten anywhere. So into the ground you go. No more doormat, no more taking the blame for junk I didn't do. I didn't walk away, tried my best but no ones has honor or commitment, or ca for anyone but themself. So why should I ?

Where a you god? When are you gonna met out this judgment or whatever? Do you even stick to what you say or is it just more talk like this so called creation, aka humans? Luck of the draw?
Is the justice? Is there any ? Or are these just words to give a reason for things,"oh no, this is mercy, oh no now justice, oh, no this is hope" when really, people are being punished just cause, or getting away with things, or just looking for a word to be stubborn......
So what is it? Everything is declared so simple, just so one can make sense of it.....but were we ever supposed to make sense of it? Is the bible about sense? No, it is about doing,NAND not always, rarely thinking mo than not. But Oh no, that must be wrong, we are humans, so smarty dn independent. Sure, go ahead , think how right and smart we are , haven't we been proven that we have overly little clue and a "god complex" whether we admit it or not?
To heck with it.

hell in a handbasket

Hm, burning alive. That's a new one..... or not. All that has been will be again. Crazies were and will be. Salem witch burnings, by people who were "religious" cleaning out witchcraft. Molech, older god who was worshiped by burning children alive. (Yup, smart people who have kids (their future) burning them to a god, who um, hm, if we all burned our children, then who would carry it on?????? Just a question.....)
Anyhow, come 2011, man burns alive a woman in an elevator: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/18/nyregion/woman-burned-alive-in-brooklyn-elevator.html

Yes, what has been will be again. To think, this used to be more prevalent and accepted.....yet now it is bad. What is morality? Does it change? Personally, it's pretty crazy, but how many times do we burn each other with neglect, anger, indifference, pain, etc. ? Hell in a hand basket indeed.
The world is a cycle, the 3 R's : Reduce, reuse, recycle. Reduce truth or discipline or you pick what, reuse old ideas and methods, recycle beliefs and morals but change them slightly so it is more accepted.
So, where is god now? Really, I don't believe more than 0.0000000001% of humanity can answer that, for their god is them self, only difference between each other is name and how they worship themselves.

Hell in a hand basket indeed.

He's dead....

What is living?

liv·ing

 [liv-ing] Show IPA

adjective

1.

having life;  being alive; not dead: living persons.

2.

in actual existence or use; extant: living languages.

3.

active or thriving; vigorous; strong: a living faith.

4.

burning or glowing, as a coal.

5.

flowing freely, as water.

 

Dan is dead, he is no longer in use or active or thriving...... I killed him. Whatever he was, is no longer important because he is dead. NO more is there a guy who will go out of his way for anyone. Why should he? No more helping anyone. Why should he? No more caring or anything. It's the truth when people tell you that "nice guys finish last" . Rather to be a loud, obnoxious, prideful son of a .....

Where has anything gotten me? Friends, ha, only when they can get something or need something. Who cares if one does their job, it's not good enough or you are nothing cause you are not making a big show of it.  

Love, is a lie then, because it is based on emotion, not anything more. Look at all the news, studies, churches.....there is no committment, there is nothing. The louder one is the more you get by. 

Case and point? Almost 2 months working on one simple thing, doing the right things, the right way, right paperwork, and what? 3x others have lost papers, once in less than 24hrs, patient, listening, tryin to do the right. Forget that, as soon as I started being forceful on it, demanding and went around the "rules" (which are a joke anyways) I get somewhere. what was not done in 2 months is being done in 2 days. No longer will I work my backside off, trying to do my job the best i can, where did it get me? Nowhere.... as soon as I started just doing my own thing, I started getting accolades, the louder and more imperative, the more things got done. The more patience, the more people walk all over you. 

Truth, honesty, Love, committment, faith.... words dying each day, because they have no meaning anymore. It is all relative. Whatever one wants it to mean. So you die Dan, because it doesn't actually work. everyone is gonna walk out on you and step over you and when you make mistakes, then they find the excuse to leave, because it is nothing but words we use. No duty, no honor, nothing. So good bye dan, you will be and have been forgotten. God? who is that? relative isn't it? God is this and this, but to "jane doe" he is this and this, and "john doe" this and this. So, good bye. 

It's nice to be wanted

A farewell dinner, very tasty and free. I was touched by the words spoken of my comrades. It was nice for once to be commended for something. I truly believe that for some, my 2 comrades and I may have made an impact.
Yet now, as we leave, what will be the legacy? To be wanted seems to be the feeling of the day. To be rejected is painful. Plans made, cancelled in a heartbeat. Why? Because one is not important enough, not worth it.
For every high, there is a low. That what I was shown today. For every one person that one helps, or gives themself for, 5 a will stb you in the back. What is humility?bremembering that you are not the most important and accepting that. Why is pride? Thinking you are owed everything important to you because you are you or someone says so. Not true.


I'm no one, I'm nothing. Today is a reminder.

Evil

“I think evil has agents,” Jenine said. “I think we allow evil to use us. It doesn’t care if we know what we’re doing is evil or not. After we’ve done its will, if we feel guilty, it can use that to condemn us in our own eyes. If we feel good, it can immediately use us for its next objective.”

Shadow's edge -Brent Weeks
-------------

How do we define evil? Is it sentient? It is a poison that is like a drug, giving hallucinations of grandeur or a nightmare of death. No one talks of evil with any true conviction. No true hate of it or even acknowledgment of it. It is like a resigned sigh from lips....."ah, yeah evil is bad, but it is what it is." there is no real understanding. I don't understand it. No it just seems, acceptance of evil is just, "evil is bad" " it feels icky"
No it really doesn't. Evil can make one feel more alive than anything. The agent of agent of evil is not a simple, "oh golly gee, I messed up and now I feel bad" no, it is more confusing.
It isn't evil cause it feel bad(yes evil can feel bad) but it is evil because it is. No matter how it feels or such, it is evil because it is. Yet how do we decipher what evil is? In some countries and times, women were for child bearing and boys were for "fun" (roman period). Or tribes where nudity is pnothing, yet other areas it is frowned upon. Murder not being the same as killing. Subtle differences, yet that is what makes the biggest change. To some. Marriage is nothing more than a word, divorce like a fall back option for whatever reason. Or stepping over people, nothing more than a ladder to true power which of course (sarcasm) is what it's all about. What pis evil, who decides what it is, and do you see how fluid it can become..... How much like a chameleon it can't be?

Tell me what to know

“I was ashamed” Logan said “Let me tell you what I learned in the Hole. I learned that, in suffering, we find the true measure of our strength. I learned that a man can be a coward one day and a hero the next. I learned that I’m not as good a man as I thought I was. But the most important thing is this: I learned that though it cost me dearly, I can change. I learned that what has been broken can be made new.”

-Brent Weeks, Shadow’s Edge

-------------

What is your measure? What is your strength? Are you lying to yourself, saying you are more than you are? Will you change? Ashamed, I am.

I Stand Alone lyrics
Songwriters: Erna, Salvatore;



I've told you this once before, can't control me
If you try to take me down you're gonna break
I feel you're every nothing that you're doing for me
I'm thinking, you oughta make your own way

I stand alone inside
I stand alone

You're always hiding behind your so called goddess
So what? You don't think that we can see your face?
Resurrected back before the final falling
I'll never rest until I can make my own way, I'm not afraid of fading

I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
I'm not dying for it

I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone inside
I stand alone

And now it's my time
(Now it's my time)
It's my time to dream
(My time to dream)
Dream of the skies
(Dream of the skies)

Make me believe that this place isn't plagued by the poison in me
And help me decide if my fire will burn out before you can breathe
Breathe into me

I stand alone inside
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
I'm not dying for it

I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone inside
I stand alone inside
I stand alone inside
I stand alone inside

Right ways don't mean easy walk

Doing the right thing or following the "right" path doesn't make for good or um, maybe expected " good" outcomes.

I have Been trying to be patient for over a month..... Today I. Almost lost it in front of people. 1 darn month of trying to listen to superiors and follow what they say and such. ONE MONTH, and today I realized or it came upon that all the work was just thrown out the window. Others are doing the same thing and they go around things, and they get ahead.
I ts frustrating..... So I hold it inside and it builds, the frustration, the annoyance of having to rely on others and then they just tear you apart and act like "well it doesn't affect me so to heck with it" . No I have done the same thing, not elevating myself, it's just I tried doing the right way and it just was nothing in the end..... So now, I have to start over. Grrr to paperwork.

No, the path least traveled seems to bring more sorrow then joy, seems to bring more work and questions then answers..... Why is that ? It seems like a failed week, now it brings a consequence not only to me but those around, even across the states. Alas for that, what does one do? Should one become a fox? Or a weasel and break listening and be insubordinate?

I don't know..... I just don't , it seems that doing that I s wrong, but is there right and wrong..... Or is there circumstance and then "right" or "wrong ?

Breaking Benjamin - I will not bow

Fall

Now the dark begins to rise
Save your breath, it's far from over
Leave the lost and dead behind
Now's your chance to run for cover

I don't wanna change the world
I just wanna leave it colder
Light the fuse and burn it up
Take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

Fall

Watch the end through dying eyes
Now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to Heaven

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I'm not proud, cold-blooded fake
I will shut the world away

Open your eyes!

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive; paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I'm not proud, cold-blooded fake
I will shut the world away

Fall!


- what can one do? Is there a ways to fight, to beat that which surrounds you? A world trying to change you to what they want, to just fit in?-

oh where darkness is found, so is death....

Well, let’s see. This week stunk, and today was the most frustrating days of it. How is it that I can oversee, train, teach, help, be confident and do what is asked of me., but when I’m being evaluated I totally just lose my confidence and crash and burn?

I know my job. Everyone put under m supervision and those with me and above me that I work with have respect and confidence in me. But today I had to go in front of a panel f random seniors and they got to grill me, seeing if I had what it took … which meant knowing a lot of facts and such ad whether I was confident and LOUD in answering. I bombed it. Yes I’m very critical of myself. I didn’t um, win the employee of the month, and so I lost.

God’s fault right? (by the way, tis is sarcastic and what follows) It had to be God’s fault why I bombed it, why this week has stunk, why I was nervous out of my mind, and just failed….. had to be…. Couldn’t be that I wasted time not studying properly, nor that I havegiven God a disregard which fluctuates every day, nor that I didn’t figure out how to properly study until a couple days ago……No couldn’t have something to do with that….(sarcasm done)

I KNOW the answers, I knew them! I just failed……so what is the first thing I do ? Yup, blame God, cause of course if it doesn’t go right it has to be His fault. Boy was I mad, I knew the answers, I thought I was being loud, they didn’t care that my voice was messed up and I couldn’t scream out the answers…..all in all God’s fault…..

Yup, if it goes right, I’m happy with myself and say a “thanks God” but if it goes wrong….You God messed me up, you don’t care and yada yada…….

No, I know in my heart it isn’t God’s fault, (see sarcasm above). No if and’s or buts…..yet it just isn’t the same.

 Job said - Job 2:10 He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.)

Well, later on after telling everyone for the umpteenth time I failed, I didn’t get ridiculed, mainly that I need to have more confidence in myself cause they know that I know and am ready to be promoted….. I can let that failure kill me or make me focus more on proving wrong…..today I just got the mindset that,  “yup, this was dumb, you got the skills, you just have to focus and learn…..”

No it wasn’t God’s fault, it’s not His fault I’m double minded, disrespectful to Him, make the same mistakes, nor that I’m mad at Him for this whole business this week nor this past year and a half. (1 John 1:5-10 5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all[b] sin.

 8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.)

Someone once told me, “why should God do anything when you won’t let Him do anything? Why should He help you when you don’t respect Him as you know you need to? (Psalm 14:1
For the director of music. Of David. The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good. ….. Job 5:3
I myself have seen a fool taking root, but suddenly his house was cursed.)

When you are double minded?  Why should God reconcile between people when they/you won’t reconcile fully to Him?”

He won’t.

(selfish truth) “why me God? Why blah blah did this happen? You must hate me” (selfish truth end) (Luke 6:46
[ The Wise and Foolish Builders ] “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?)

There are three things in my heart that I long for….. her, get promoted, get my papers so I can leave here, find a church before I leave at the place I’m going…..hm, it is just honest truth…..it is a wrong truth……Where is longing for God? (Matthew 6: 32-33  32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well…..Mark 12:29-31  ²⁹ “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.^[a] 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’^] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”) Or what He wants? ….. So many say “I’m following God….I’m doing what He says to do …… I know what HE means here and where I have to INTERPRET for MYSELF what He means……..” I’m living proof, and a failing living proof with that mind set… (1 Corinthians 2:14
The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit……. 1 Corinthians 3: 18-19 18 Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”)

Hm, perhaps I’m already gone from His presence, maybe God has given up on me and I’m the one who is said of in Hebrews 6:4-6 … ⁴ It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen[c] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.”

I don’t know if You are listening to me or not God, but take care of her, You already know what I want and where my heart has been and is. I dunno what the point is then, but I dunno. I’m not fully committed to You… so can’t rightfully blame You for not listening. Whatever it is, I’m a mess and whatever You are gonna do, just do it please.