Valentines day

So Dan, today's valentines day. A day to profess love to a person you care  about. Well, that's not happening today. Get it out of the system now, cry it out. 
The woman you love is gone and and it still breaks your heart, mainly cause you think of her every single day, you wish she would want to talk to you, you hate the mistakes you made, and cause you long for her more than breathing. And that confuses you crazily cause you just don't know what to do or what you should do and stuff. Just let it out.  Gosh dang it Andrea, I love you more than I could ever know. Do you not know I have not gone a day without you in my mind, how I miss your laugh, your smile, hugs, just being in the same place as you? That i cry at least once a week and pray always fora you and your family? Arg, I have no idea what to do, if I'm supposed to do something. Dang it, this is not the point, but it helps to get it out even if it amounts to nothing.

For God so loved the world, He gave his only begotten son; that whoever believed in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save it through him.
- John 3:16-17

Romans 5:8
8 But God commendeth his own love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

This is love, this is love as it should be. To love not because we earned it or deserve it, but because the one to give the love wants to. What has God shown that He loves.......the rebirth after the flood, the watching of the trials and mockery of His son and the death, such horrible scene that followed. The daily putting up with our selfishness, giving us what we want at times, allowing us to mess up and choose, but like the father of  the prodigal son, opening arms when we come back. God must be tired from opening the arms for just me, but heck a whole world. The love to um, grieve for those who deny him daily, or see them mess up and the consequences that follow. The love to discipline us and well, take away things because they become a barrier to loving him. Worse, still, love enough to hurt, just hurt, each time we deny him and live for ourselves or by our own mind.

I don't feel God's spirit all the time, I don't want to always listen, i don't always want to do, that when I was overseas and I first got the dreaded d word spoken to me, I cursed Him out, I went berserk on God and lost my mind in anger at Him and just, don't know how to describe it,  and still God loves me, at my worst, he said, "Hey you don't understand, you don't agree, you may even hate me, but i love you." when i studied scripture and looked further than what "the niv says, Kjv says" I learned hard truth that "those who say "Lord lord",  are not always those who mean it. That love is not a feeling, nor just all gushy, but a choice to do rather than to have. He woke me up, hasn't let me die, I have a place to lay my head, food, health, a brain that works,  some imperfect , lil crazy :), but parents who tried their best, who I hate to admit, but never was on my side, rather tried, Dan, maybe failed at times, to be on God's side even if it broke their heart.  
That's God's love. That is love. That is just my part of a story, I wish others would tell, well, their love story by God, from God. Heck send it to my email.....danielelsmore@gmail.com


Well God, that's a tiny summary of your love at least for me.  Please let people read it and affect them somehow. I don't know how else to say this, um, but there has to be love, cause all the mistakes I know at least I have made, you still let me live and live so well in this world.
Anyways, thanks for that...... Pretty shabby, but I don't speak well or have words enough to express it. Oh God, dang it, she is in my mind, oh God you know how much. What is going on? What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to continue like this, try and reach out, wait, or see if she will ever say something? Am i on the right path, am i still being too stubborn, an i misunderstanding your words? How do you do it? You love everyone and so many say and show  "forget you, I'm leaving, I know what I want, it was fun while it lasted, I will believe it when I see it, I know You said this.....but I want it to mean this." 
How do you do it? Well God, protect her and her family. Protect my mom and dad and family. May Your will be done. May I be an instrument and not try and be the composer(you) in whatever path I'm now on, especially to those classmates I interact with.  Regarding the rest, increase my faith! Thanks for listening. Just thanks for everything, though there a days I wish the opposite. Glory honor and praise to You only.