Fail!

Hm,let's see, this is not today this has happened. No I've been putting this off. Dan, what do you do when you look and trip up? Well, hm, apparently it depends on where your focus is.
Lets see, one Friday long long ago (not as long as to forget), after class our group had a small check up on our fitness. We have a physical training test this next week and one of the leaders wanted to check and see how we were doing (we are supposed to work out and such, keep our physical fitness up.... act like adults). We were doing a 1-1-1 diagnostic test. 1 min push ups, 1 min sit ups, 1 mile run. On our real test we do 2-2-2 and we have a certain number of each we need to do for push ups and sit ups to pass and a certain time for our 2miles. Well, myself and one of the guys we were not really looking forward to it, we are confident we can pass and such. So we had this bright idea to do ½ aka, ½ our allotted sit up and push up minimums, and ½ our 2 mile time.  We do it in groups. Well, hm, guess who goes first? Me!!!!!
Well, I did not do push ups for a minute straight....i did a certain number and I stopped. Apparently I had a good amount of time left for a minute and our leader called me out and basically put me down and a jerk in front of the whole group while we are doing it. Hm, that goes over eral well with me (sarcasm). He basically tells me to keep going and well, I literally say (hm, please no one ever do this, this wrong, a bad example, and SINFUL!) “hell no, I did what I needed to do and I'm done, (leader's name).” I snapped, I spoke without control, without thought, acted without control,  I was embarrassed in front of everyone and I used it to be the key to loss of control, I MADE THE CHOICE to SIN.....we had a 2 sec dialogue in front of the group after my retort, and right after  he pulled me aside and we had an um, heated dialogue. Basically he threw some words I didn't say in there and chewed me out and I had a few words about fitness with him and we basically disagreed and were upset (when sin starts, it likes to latch on and keep going)
I'm stopping there. Anger for me has been/is my thorn, been praying for real on it and had counseling and such heck, for over a year and such. I thought I was doing good with it, people were saying how temperate and relaxed I am. Even after, I thought I did better since I stopped talking back and actually could think in it and stop....Know what? To the abyss with what people say. I got cocky and prideful and I messed up. Where was my reliance on God and all this stopping of  “I”?
What does one do from there? Usually, its a little....I'm gonna let time go and it will die down, maybe a “sorry,buddy, haha lets laugh it off.”
Crud, that might work sometimes. Whether I could have done it then, it would have been a cover up. Wow, how I wanted to do that. After praying and basically arguing with myself as to what is right vs what I could get away with, the decision to apologize was made. Hm, I meant to apologize in person at a study hall, but I didn't , no excuses. Instead I went away and I started rationalizing why I didn't need to apologize ( he has an attitude,  and loud and obnoxious at times-teapot calling kettle black?-). Almost just went away and just gave up. Thank God, THANK GOD, that there is more at play then what I think. I basically texted him an apology. Nope, no blame on him, no “haha sorry buddy” crud, a simple and honest apology.
Ha, wow, you know what, Dan, you know what happened after? He apologized, some guy who can be a prideful non-apologetic guy, apologized. He even actually admitted appreciation of me apologizing to him. Heck, I don't expect this to mean we were “cool buddies” or “best friends forever”. No, but really, it only shows that God allows us ways to let lights shine when we fall on our faces. Also, that each day is a day of it's own, heck what we do well one day was good for that day, what did Jesus say...”Each day has enough trouble of it's own” (Matt. 6:34 in worrying section) and Peter speaking with the Spirit says in 1 Peter 5:8 “Be sober and alert. Your enemy the devil, like a roaring lion, is on the prowl looking for someone to devour.”
Well, this was a pressure off my chest, perhaps, since I'm not good at speaking, maybe this writing will somehow, someway, help someone at least to think about things. Or remind them of something they struggle with or have taken for granted.
 
God in heaven, dang it, what a mess we make. When we get proud You make sure we um, “trip” and remind us how to get on our knees, and it hurts at times, and we still refuse to bow down or want to refuse. Thank You though, cause it could be what we deserve rather than a loving discipline. Well, I have talked a lot already, but um, like always, thanks for being there even when, well, I'm a self centered, ungrateful, idiot. Be with Andrea, protect her and her family. I still , my heart hasn't changed that I care for her and would give my life to reconcile with her, even after this time and such, God, what are You trying to say to me? I'm unworthy of You. BE with my family and those I have called as friends. Up and down goes life and our walk with You, but consistent is Your love and mercy and discipline. Thank You for it all. May I long for You more than life, and may that exude form my pores so that it is seen and shared with others even if I don't realize it, like breathing. Through Jesus' name.