Why?

My God, why why is this like this? I wake and I almost kill myself! It was a living nightmare! Oh God! What hit me like this?! All of it! the failings, the hurt, the hurting her, the regret, the misunderstanding, I LOVE HER ! God what can I do?! I don't eat, I can't sleep. I feel like it's all dying! I wanna try and do something, but what? I'm tryin to do what you say, still working on trying to figure out how to be temperate, how to not really be um, silent, but not speak out of um, what is it.... um not just say what's on my mind right away, slow to speak, quicker to listen and um, dang it, how to evaluate whether what I'm about ot say is cause of what I want or what is right. Oh God, Always on my mid she is, if she only knew. God I have been trying, but I can't I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm working at going to worship, tryng to get mind right, tryin to work harder at stuff, I don't really like video games, haha, can't believe it, but almost a year not playing World of Warcraft at all. I been tryin to keep up writing, try to encourage people. Think Riv is starting to be affected by hanging around with me, he seems alot more calm and I noticed that he has shown more care. Now to try and get him to church; hm, just gotta keep asking him to go. Haha, I think Z is open to talking more Bible, hm, trying to get in there with scripture and encourage him in stuff, I think he has open mind, maybe You can use me to get his whole family.

Oh God! What am I supposed to be doing?! I want to make things right! I'm tryin to stand up and I can't stay upright , You know? God, she is always in my heart and mind and i always want to speak to her and encourage her, but I don't know whatI'm supposed to do. I have to believe You have some plan. The problem is am I willing to allow You to do it, cause i keep just messing up!
Drinking is stupid, video games are ok, but kinda boring, too many distractions! I'm so scatter brained.

I'm , I've been soooo dead, depressed, and more. I have no real inclination to I don't know. Everyday I wake, I wonder what or when it is gonna hit me and mess me up more, the reminders, the thoughts. God, I can't keep this up! Something has to happen, thought if I did a project it would help but no, it doesn't as much.
These conflicting thoughts, days of saddness, depression. I'm a wreck God, it feels so alone.
God, what is it?! It hit me hard today, I mean, I wanted to kill myself! I woke, and I mean, yes, I only got what an hr of sleep maybe....but I got up, and Oh my gosh, it was like a barrage! I don't eve know where ot start! I can't even bring myself to start! Dang it and now I cry more. Oh God, what is Your plan? How do things get right, surely this was not the plan, God I'm try and trying! I work hard, I help people, keep tryin to fig new ways to not get mad, to be temperate! I want to hope!
But I'm so weak! GOD!!!!! What is the point?  What is the plan? Why does it seem like Your Word says one thing, but things go the other way?

You want everything, but it seems like I can't give it all. Are you done with me? Is there any hope to repairing, just give time? Is she ok? My life I would give in a heartbeat for her, if I knew how to turn the world upside down I would for her. Dang it, what am I supposed to do? What are YOu doing God?

What do I have to do ? I'm in a prison in my own head! I don't know what hell is, but this mind of mine, it over whelms me like crazy! People worry about ....well, if I get shot, or jumped, or shot at....
I'm not afraid of physical death, it's one and done, but this internal stuff, it feels like death inside going out. Does that make sense God? This is me casting it to You, I don't know what's in the tank, feels like I'm just running into a brick wall again and again, I'm consistently working at trying to do better, and it seems all for nothing, like arg, i can't explain it. God, truly you know what I beg of You every day.
I don't know God, from my mind to my physical health, it all seems to be going downhill. up and down and when it hits down, well You saw me today, when I woke up on the couch, I don't even know how long I sat there and I just don't know. Please God, dang it, how long God? No other but the WomH.  Please, You know this. Why alone? After this? where is the true righteousness? I cannot claim anything but but my head down in remorse and sorrow, I'm SO SO SOOOOO Sorry for all of it! I'm an idiot and not in a good way it seems.  I want to  work at it! God what do  You want from me?

Oh God, til the day I die, be with her and show the truth. As you say, teach us to forgive and not keep holding onto the past wrongs. Allow love and healing through and through. I know i need it and for those i have hurt, heal them, may they learn to forgive me. and for me, well, Jesus took the sins of the world, I just want to take the pain I gave others, and take it from them , truly I do love her and those I have hurt, I can't seem to make things right or nothing. That's cause I can't I have to lay it and let You do it. But God, I want to do it so bad. Forgive us our transgressions, help, PLEASE HELP! just take control. Remind us of what Your love is and how much You put up with us on a daily basis, maybe it will knock some sense into us. Please, help me to believe nothing is impossible, with you. the fight is on! In Jesus name. Amen.