WHat have I done?!

What have a I done God?! Again I do the things I said I wouldn't do! It is never wrong to love, buit ot love others over You?! Again I did it! She was my world and my light, and in that I destroyed what I said I would not do! You were supposed to be the center of it, I made that committment and I broke it! AGAIN! I made her my world and so I made it fall apart. No I don not regret that I do Love her, not at all. It's when I started and then made her my world, that was it's downfall. I beg another chance, but not til the time is ready, when I can say fully and wholly, God you are number one. That this heart belongs first to you and what you give me to love another i can or better we can give. Where God did it become so blurred to my sight? I thought I was doing right, I did so bad, thought it was right. But of course I was wrong, when i think I know and have the right words, You show me that um" Dan you are an idiot! You are trying to do things your way and then add ME. " Not gonna work that way. I just pray that there is hope and that there is forgiveness. this heart loves no other than her. I pray that while that is what I believe in human love it is supposed to be, that YOU become the first love, the deepest love the highest love of life. Only then will there be a chance.
But God, it is broken now. Honestly, I can't do it. Every part of me is broken. I feel so alone. I deserve hell and death, it's like a vicious cycle, start well, get cocky and lose focus, then BOOM fall down into a hell (metaphorically speaking) , why God does it keep happening?
Please accept my apologies and forgive me and in time,  maybe You know what is in my heart God.
Be with the WomH and guide the truth back into life. There is so much sickness in our minds. Protect our families and teach us to forgive and let go. There is so much to say.  I don't know how to say it. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot, I'm stupid, I'm selfish, I'm crazy, I don't know how to express it right.
Punish me, if it will make gold be shone, help to stand up to the lies and diversions of the Truth of You and Your plan. Where is the narrow road, been so far going down a wide road. There is more, what was your plan and can I be in it and apart of it, though I messed up so much so far ? Please, forfeit my life for healing and renewal for them, her, whoever I have wronged.  Any reads this God, prolly confuse them, but you know what I say and do and think and so forth.  So weak and so alone. Can't breath, only tears and so much , so stupid I have been.
I'm sorry. I'm nothing, have been nothing without Your blessing. Just forfeit my life if it can bring good.

Matthew 16: ²⁴ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. ²⁶ What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? ²⁷ For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.