Rememberance

I can't take back my sins but that doesn't mean I have to live in the memory of them. That increases the memory of them.
I wrote in basic many things, I kept copies of them and some were wrong things. I kept them to remind me and learn from the price of folly, but I believe instead of being used to learn from they are nothing more but vas for the fire of this storm. The gas to bring up the past. They were meant to understand but I stead they are used to kill.
She was wounded by it because they were read without why or understanding but in one-sided thinking.
Cowardice is used daily, finger pointing and blame passing, just lie the fall in Genesis, man pointed woman and also to God as reason and woman to snake and responsibility was never accepted. So the punishment began. I wish I had a better memory , I only have glimpses of what has happened. Time is not relevant in putting hold on things.
Today has been bad, take it away God or make it right !
I can barely take the dog for a walk cause I can't go back to the field used to play with Luke and watch her at he goal post while I ran like the dog on. Or memory of sitting at the far goal post and giving a kiss to her.
Or further up the path taking a picture smiling together.
There was happiness, I hold onto the happiness. I tefus to mire it in only sadness, of watching her play Mario  kart though she didnt know, or checking her swim online when she told me how she kept track. How happy to see at basic graduation and go to cracker barrel.
How foolish to hold things in. Iron giant, movie played and I had to go, I enjoyed watching it with her.
The div is wrong. Basis was as wrong as my anger has been, sin is sin.
 Now I have to just let God do whatever. But this emptiness and all , so alone, now I rarely even play video games, no desire for World of Warcraft, heck I did dishes today and I just can't sit around anymore. I have to walk around or get out. Too late . Oh how I pray for a miracle. A renewing of heart and so forth.

(KJV) Matthew 19:26 But Jesus beheld [them], and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

Have to have hope, have to believe.

Maybe ironic, but while I type this I hear Seventh Day Slumber's song "take everything"  off their album "take everything"
The last lines sum it up :
"Jesus take every thing....."

Why have I been holding so much in?

Been approximately a year, since actually counseling started. In doing counseling, I learned lots about how protective I am or been of my emotions. How raw tuned they are and have been.
I let it build up inside like a closed container, then some heat comes and it has nothing to do with anything, but there is no room, so instead of making sure to get stuff out and drain it or however, it makes a big boom and the container, what's inside and the container itself,  it just becomes a mess. Anyone in range gets hurt. Usually it was her. I'm sorry to the point of death for that.

But most important is that God has His hands tied. You see, He knew I kept doing the same thing and in my own arrogance and pride I tried to keep fixing it. Yeah, would get better when I hit the low point and I actually cried to God to help, but then cockiness and idiocy brought Satan a nice 5 lane highway into my pride and arrogance to think that I, Daniel was strong on my own account and the vicious cycle starts again.  How many more times will this keep happening? Is there any hope?  I don’t know. Have to learn from the bad and hold to the good. Have to hope. 

As always, God, be with us and family and her and her family. Scary how the world's going and how divided Your people are.