Love and miss her. But what does it mean anymore?

Betrayal like no other, pain like being cut open, loss n lies. Why ? Why does it not matter commitment or anything. Things being changed "just because"

Lose a soul or a life. Lose them both is like one never existed. Feels like that now.Great saddness fills my heart N soul. It is loss like nothing B4.Lost again

Winston Churchill : "If we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find we have lost the future."

Guess it is true: Alexander Hamilton : "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.". What do we stand for? Do we stand for anything? Thinking bout that.

Boo to stolen stuff. Had comp stolen while trying to help some guys broken down. What kind of person steals while being helped like that ? Is there any justice?

? benefits...

? Psalm 103:1-2

Praise the LORD, my soul;
aall my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul,
aand forget not all his

Always keep an open mind and a compassionate heart.

- Phil Jackson
May we always do

W. E. B. Du Bois : "To stimulate wildly weak and untrained minds is to play with mighty fires.".

Benjamin Franklin : "How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.". -Hm, in process of that, I pray.-

whatting

hello, this is your brain, Dan. Do you know where u are ?

Brain..... Hm next question.

How easy is it to skip out on questions? I think cause it is hard to say I don't know or don't understand.
Well, I don't understand or know everything. What the heck is up with snow? Saw it today and realized, "wow, I know the 'scientific reason' but there is something just inexplainable with it, the purity and awestriking way when it falls, how eah flake is unique. I HAVE NO IDEA why .
Hm. Why doesn't that freak me out ?
Hm, I guess sometimes just gotta not explain, just accept it.

No weird words of stuff. No words of some great author. Just I don't know, but I have to believe. Not in myself,(no way!) But in more than me. Cause as I said before, I don't know everything. So trusting in myself or others only will and is flawed. Hm, think I'm confusing myself. Let me try this again.

Today, I got a glimpse of meaning of why Proverbs 3 says : V. 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Oh snow the lesson I have been reminded of . Well I like snow. Wish you were here to see it .

A reflection is not always a welcome sight, yet it helps to show, to see just what needs to be or can be fixed. James 1:23-24 comes to mind.

Long day. Hardest part is seeing yourself, what you don't like and what you have failed to see about self in another . Hm, what does that mean dan?

The best preparation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today.
- Elbert Hubbard
Did I do good work today? Heart yearns to say yes, but is it truth ?

Hm. Lots of thinking which means I cleaned. Hm, the mind says one thing but the heart says another. Kinda like Romans 7:14-25 well, much to think about still .

"Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love." -
Jeremiah 31:3

Arg, heart pains

I don't know what to do. I want to help her, i want to be with her, i want to love her and show it. But what can I do? Anyone? No one holds my heart like her. I see some beauty which i can never explain. I see such pain which only God cna heal.

WHat is the problem? let me in.

Alas it is easier to say than to do, focus is lost so many times in words. Instead of admitting to oneself or throwing oneself off, we fall into ourselves and lose our way.

I see such beauty, a willingness to want to do right. I see loss, in self and in vision. I see fear, running, hiding. I see complacency, a diversion to the fight.

Oh God, in all things, heal us, I love her so much, I want her to be strong and be there for her. You alone can make it happen, soften our hearts, open our eyes. Carry us when we want to or do give up and fall. I fall all the time, help my scuffed up arms and legs, heal, rebuke in your word. Please give me another chance, with the woman of my heart. Always on my heart, mind and prayers. It feels like a chasm of emptiness. I know you put her there and I there, please make a miracle. YOur will be done, your word be followed, our understanding put to dung, and your strength remove our pride and blindness. Please father, friend and protector. Please, oh Please, I beg of you. Grow that love which was and i believe is still there, overcome the pain and show the way. Please. PLEASE. This heart and soul I beg for renewal and miracle. Open up the heart. Heal her, help her, guide her, pour out mercy and love. I beg of you. My life for hers in a heart beat.
Hear my pleas, the tears, the pain, you overcame death and Satan, please this is like childs play for you. :) THank you for listening. I just don't know how or what to do.

Today

Rend your heart, and not your garments." - Joel 2:13

Garment-rending and other outward signs of religious emotion, are easily manifested and are frequently hypocritical; but to feel true repentance is far more difficult, and consequently far less common. Men will attend to the most multiplied and minute ceremonial regulations--for such things are pleasing to the flesh--but true religion is too humbling, too heart-searching, too thorough for the tastes of the carnal men; they prefer something more ostentatious, flimsy, and worldly. Outward observances are temporarily comfortable; eye and ear are pleased; self-conceit is fed, and self-righteousness is puffed up: but they are ultimately delusive, for in the article of death, and at the day of judgment, the soul needs something more substantial than ceremonies and rituals to lean upon. Apart from vital godliness all religion is utterly vain; offered without a sincere heart, every form of worship is a solemn sham and an impudent mockery of the majesty of heaven.

Heart-rending is divinely wrought and solemnly felt. It is a secret grief which is personally experienced, not in mere form, but as a deep, soul-moving work of the Holy Spirit upon the inmost heart of each believer. It is not a matter to be merely talked of and believed in, but keenly and sensitively felt in every living child of the living God. It is powerfully humiliating, and completely sin-purging; but then it is sweetly preparative for those gracious consolations which proud unhumbled spirits are unable to receive; and it is distinctly discriminating, for it belongs to the elect of God, and to them alone.

The text commands us to rend our hearts, but they are naturally hard as marble: how, then, can this be done? We must take them to Calvary: a dying Saviour's voice rent the rocks once, and it is as powerful now. O blessed Spirit, let us hear the death-cries of Jesus, and our hearts shall be rent even as men rend their vestures in the day of lamentation.

Albert Einstein : "A person, who never made a mistake, never tried anything new." :)

Forgot to write yesterday. Darn it . Oliver Wendell Holmes : "Don't be consistent, but be simply true."

What is today?

Hm, no fun today. Getting frustrated and sad. Frustated cause well, things seem out of hand, those around just sem to lie at every turn. Tell me one thing, then do another. I want to just get in their faces, but I'm still working on controlling my words, cause sometimes I think I say the right thing, but it comes out wrong. Wish I had a translator sometimes, cause I don't seem to be able to pronuciate (real word?) or communicate too great.

Not all bad, sometimes I can say what I mean, but then the problem is how does it come out? Been having discussions with a guy, frustrating, cause even when I have a point, it comes out wrong, but somehow we can laugh it off or come to an understanding.

Hm, random thoughts Dan, you miss her, and love her greatly. Always thinking of her, always. Have to pray. But can I? It's a rollercoaster ride. Why do you love me God? I fail daily in so much, hm, why do you love without borders and wy can't i just give it  to you?  I'm torn and pained, just found out someone been lying to me, and playing games with me. Darn getting sick, I'm supposed ot help people who are sick, not get sick !:)

Well, I hope and pray for miracles, work to do what is right, just hard to give it all cause when I think i'm doing it, I see that at times, I'm tryin to give it aka, guide things in a way I want. Really weird, think Proverbs 3:
 ⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight.
 ⁷ Do not be wise in your own eyes;
   fear the LORD and shun evil.

Think I put this verse out there already before, but  v.5 kicks my backside, I think it kicks alot of people's backsides, man, I know I want to control my future, I want this and think it's best, but really, I have no real clue. Shat do I see here? Well, we all look better in our own eyes, what we think makes sense to us, but if I truly believe, have to just trust what God says, and what He does. I look at all the dif versions of Scripture, and all the dif interpretations, and it is overwhelming. Then  heard a discussion why there are so many, I used to think, "hey, people wanted to make it easier to understand or modernize it" no, lots of people just wanted to make it easy for themselves. Hm, I think the issue is we want it to be easy, nothing is hard fact. But God's Words are hard facts. What He says, we do. No discussion. Repent if it's against what He says or not, but there is no "well I think I should, or it really means this" Hence leaning not on my own understanding. I get that alot myself (aka I do that) I think, well, eh, maybe it's ok cause of this. Heck if God says it, my faith should not be about how to always make it relevant to now, but to just do it. NOW THAT IS CRAZY HARD!  Yet if I trust in Him, then He will lead me right. Won't be quick or even always enjoyable. I don't know, just alot of back tracking, remembering that I don't have the answers, heck, even answers I have (things I know I should do ) I have trouble with that. Hm, sometimes I have asked God to just make me a robot cause it's just so , no, I'm just so messed up, catching myself and mainly being shown where I'm wrong, I get frustrated that I just won't be able to get back up. Well, Dan, today is all you have, now is the time. God help, I can't seem to do it, arg, this mind of mine, just is tryin, but it's so hard. Darn pride and selfish ways.

Hope I'm not alone in this. Well, pray for healing and a miracle.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Ephesians 5:1-2

Need help with that, thought I was, but always ways to grow.
Yikes brain overloaded with stuff. need to reboot it. :) Night Dan.

Ralph Waldo Emerson : "His heart was as great as the world, but there was no room in it to hold the memory of a wrong."

"I am crucified with Christ." -

Galatians 2:20. Hence I have to feel the pain and rejection . Not all roses and playtime. /:)

"I am crucified with Christ." -
Galatians 2:20

We should not fret for what is past, nor should we be anxious about the future; men of discernment deal only with the present moment.

- Chanakya. (y)

"His ways are everlasting."
Habakkuk 3:6. God doesn't change, we do. Will you change for better or worse, Dan? Which will it be ?/:)

Isaiah 7:14Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.

Friday

Well what is up for today? Hm, more and more classes all day. Hm, did get to ride a motorcycle. Refresher class had to take. Refreshing, scary it was. Haven't ridden in about a year or so. Felt great to ride again once I got over the weirdness of being on a motorcycle.
Hm, thought about life. Refreshers, they can be scary. Or weird at least. Coming back to us after a deployment, scares the snot out of me. Specially now. The hardest part of the class today was not riding, it was turning on the engine..... Would I remember how? Would I look like a doofus? Hm, I realized once I got on, I closed my mind to what others were doing and how dumb I could look and remembered how good it was when I rode. For all the fear and mistakes, once I remebered how peaceful and great it could be I relaxed and refresher training turned to a great time.
That's how life can be, something changes and the hardest part is remembering how much good that has happened, fears come and wonder.....how dumb do I look? What will others think or say? The bottomline isn't that, that is there to push us away. Dan, you sure you making sense? Nope.
All I know is to dwell on the negative or wondering what others say or think need to be it's what God says and He reminds us that all we have to do is remember what great and wonderful things He has done and does. Our minds will betray us. God won't ever and we just have to turn to Him (turn on the engine) and let Him take us for a ride. All the great things will come back and the negative won't be as bad,in fact we might actually learn from it.
Eh, you're ramblin, Dan.
Maybe next time you will make more sense. You love her. God help me understand, heal us please.thank you for Your Love.

"So shall we ever be with the Lord." -

1 Thessalonians 4:17

Why do things seem to be closing like a garbage compactor ? Please God. Why can't I just do the right thing always? Seems like I'm tryin to grab air. Help!:s

How do I show the world you are. The only way?

John 14:6Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Today

What is my place in this world? To be in but not of the world. Simple? Well, that is confusing, cause I have to be in the world, and all day I have the same thing, those around me want to follow their own desires and only add God when it suits them. That is not right.

Your place, Dan, is not there. It is not to be a “good guy” not to wake up and go to worship on Sunday or Wednesday. Not to look nice and do some “good things” . No, nothing of the sort.
Haha, I'm scaring myself. Even within me I want to scream “ NO DAN, THIS IS CRAZY! YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MIND!”

Hm, I that I'm losing my mind so that God's can replace it. Darn this weak and stubborn flesh! Were it as easy to destroy as a piece of paper with fire.

Romans 12:1-3
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices,
holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. 3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

I have to be dying, in my mind. God doesn't want me to have it “all together” , why the heck would I need Him then? No, He wants me to be dying, continually. Hm, yes Dan, you are having a random moment, why in the world are you thinking of a quote from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone :
“-the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them.” ?

Haha, duh, cause that is what I do, what we all do, we choose the worst for ourselves, did it in the garden and do it daily if left to our own devices. Look at “The Lord of the Flies” by William Golding, started out good, but then it turned to a tragedy.

Get back on track now, Dan. Pride, the killer of the greatest of men. Look here, God is mentioned 4x, as in what God wants and does.
God's Mercy
to God-not for oneself
God's will
God given ( …..measure of faith God has given”)

All other areas are denial of self, of pride. Not that there is not worth, but focus is not one self. The destruction of self. Hm, so my place in this world is 2 things:
Not feeling like I belong in this world
Removing the “ all about me” to changing it to “No one else but HE”
That takes faith, cause, well He says Him first, others second, Me well, “me” is an work in progress. Hm, I need a mental break, think this over, read it over and sink in, well, Dan, prayers, love, healing, to all, thanks to the Highest for another day of life and being back in the US. The part of m heart I miss and love, I pray for you. God you are more than I can imagine. Help US PLEASE!

1 Samuel 16:7b"The LORD does not look at the things man looks at.Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

"I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some." -

1 Corinthians 9:22

My soul felt as if it was freed from bondage! Glad someone gave a ride to service last night. My heart was overcome with emotion.

Wow. It has been 2 days here. Feel so lost . Wish she was here. May God lead .

hi again

Well back again .

haha funny for today

1. Psalm 126:2
   Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them.”

1 Peter 3: 13-18

1 Peter 3:13-18

13Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." 15But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. 17It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. 18For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit,

1 Peter 3:13-18

13 - hm , harm if eager to do good . What does it mean ? eager- wanting to , looking forward,

desirous. If we are eager to do good, hm , our focus is different, we see our goal and harm is harder to do . Instead of seeing things get in the way, we just see our obstacles to overcome and the goal of it all.

14 – Goes back to Jesus talking about being in the world but not of it . And Hebrews 11:32-38, cause they were suffering, but eager to do good. The suffering was not truly suffering , it was a blessing. And they get reward later (and then too, but not as men see it) . They were hurt, persecuted for GOD, look what God says in Heb. 11: 38 “ The world was not worthy of them. “ From GOD – HE says this, the world didn't deserve to have them in it. Take back to Enoch – GOD took him ! The world really was not worthy of that guy . :)

15 – Lord – Used in times as a sign of higher standing over one, so for us HE is over us , our Lord , Servants of HIM, subject of HIM and what HE wants .

Hope – do we know what we hope for ? Do we know why ?

Hard part , especially in/to the world. To be gentle is hard when facing one who is just being hateful or mean. To respect is hard too, cause one who is doing these things to another meanly is hard to respect, yet GOD is able to show , teach that to us through these things . Also, He doesn't say "respect/gentleness if this is happening, or under these conditions or however you feel up to it" He says to do it. I forget that emotions and feelings are not qualifiers, "just do it".

16 – Clear conscience – nuff said ? Those who talk against us ( when we are doing right ) will themselves be convicted of our good works to point of being ashamed .

17 – We won't always suffer for doing good . If we do , it is God's will. Refine by fire, like gold and our faith is worth more than gold. ( 1 Pet. 1:7 ) when we do evil we deserve our punishment . Thank GOD for mercy and forgiveness .

18 – Bridge to God . Our sins are forgiven, no more re-baptism each time, we have forgiveness, through confession and repentance . 

Dunno Dan,  it seems like many times, I'm tryin to make up for my sins, yet since God forgave them (repentance/confession), I shouldn't be trying to add to the load by carrying the guilt of sins past that are forgiven and forgotten (by God) .

Life is already filled with troubles, carrying the past, rather than using it to learn from, is wrong. God doesn't hold us to the sin no more, just like He doesn't hold us to the old covenant. Why do I try and add to what is not necessary or even valid in God's eyes? How can I forgive if I don't take God's forgiveness, His handling of the sin, whether He punishes or not how I want it to be?

About suffering, well, Dan, it's gonna happen, It won't be cause someone deserved it always, it's not fair in many eyes, but life isn't fair. It's gonna happen. What will you do when you needlessly suffer? Will you hold it in your heart? Learn from it? Forgive? Use it to show God's love even more? Try and use it/store it til you can use it for your own venom on another? 

No one has suffered more than God and if He can get over it, go through it, teach from it, forgive from it, Love me from it, and stick with me and still want me and use me ( I make Him suffer, we all make Him suffer/hurt, more than we know), than how can I do that? 

So much more to be said, but my mind is overloading. Dan, you need a break for a few. God is good.....All the time. 

I'm scared to ask this, God, but teach me. I said it and now have to deal with it. Please, I'm scared of how you will teach me, calm me please. Thank You now and in advance.

Imperfection & Savior-By Skillet

You say to us-

Imperfection-lyrics

You're worth so much
It'll never be enough
To see what you have to give
How beautiful you are
Yet seem so far from everything
You're wanting to be
You're wanting to be

Tears falling down again
Tears falling down

You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you're drowning
In your imperfection

You mean so much
That heaven would touch
The face of humankind for you
How special you are
Revel in your day
You're fearfully and wonderfully made
You're wonderfully made

Tears falling down again
Come let the healing begin

You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you're drowning
In your imperfection

You're worth so much
So easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else
No one escapes
Every breath we take
Dealing with our own skeletons, skeletons

You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you're drowning
In your imperfection

Won't you believe, yeah
Won't you believe, yeah
All the things I see in you

You're not the only one
You're not the only one
Drowning in imperfection

Savior-Lyrics:
I'm everything you've wanted
I am the one who's haunting you
I am the eyes inside of you
Stare back at you

There's nothing left to lose
There's nothing left to prove
Surrender your love
It's all you can do, yeah

What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
But I know, yeah, I know
What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
Your savior

It's time to redefine
Your deophobic mind
Don't hesitate, no escape
From secrets on the inside

There's nothing left to lose
There's nothing left to prove
Surrender your love
It's all you can do, yeah

What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
But I know, yeah, I know
What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
Your savior

I am the eyes inside
Staring back at you [2x]

You need, you need me, yeah

What you got
What you need
Everything's gonna crash and break
What you got
What you need
Everything's gonna crash and break

What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
But I know, yeah, I know
What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
Your savior

I'm watching you
Cause you need me
Yeah, yeah, cause you need me
I'm watching you

I don't understand why, this weak and fragile mind and body, you want this imperfection. You make the rules, just very thankful you want me/us.  Thank You.